I'm blessed to have many people in my life who help me refocus on what's important when things start to get blurry. I was sitting and talking with my stepmom one evening and in this story she was telling me she said something like, 'there's a God-shaped hole in everyone and you can't fill it with anything but God or you'll never find happiness..." How absolutely true.
These past few months have been CRAZY. With a new relationship turning into a long-distance relationship, then turning into a long-distance engagement, then turning into a marriage, I have been focusing all of my energy on trying to keep everything together. My whole life has changed. I'm no longer solely concerned about myself and my family, but now I'm taking care of a husband and having to figure out how to communicate and live with someone else. How do I balance my wants with his wants? How do I balance his family with mine? How do we balance our future? And here's a biggie - how do we balance our budget?! Yikes.
But to the point -- I was constantly aware that I was losing my focus. I was filling my time with wedding plans and spending weekends and weeks driving back and forth from Indiana to Missouri. I wasn't finding time to read my Bible, I prayed sporadically, and I almost didn't even know how to pray anymore, I was making excuses for those Sundays I missed church, and I wasn't finding myself wanting to talk about my love for the Lord anymore. And I wasn't happy. I even knew I wasn't happy. When I did find time to pray, my prayers were, "I don't know how to do this anymore." "Something's missing and I don't know what it is and I don't know how to change it." "Help me find you again." When my stepmom used that phrase, "a God-shaped hole," I realized what I had done then. I had been filling that hole (and seriously failing) with things of the world. With stress about a wedding and families meeting for the first time. With my new husband who falls so short of God, and who is absolutely ALLOWED to fall short of God, because he's not all perfect, but mostly perfect and that's just perfectly fine with me. With financial stress and moving-in-together stress and all of these things that just do not give me the fulfilling satisfaction of having God in that God-shaped hole right in the center, forefront of my little heart.
And so, I'm getting ready for church this morning. I'm finding little moments to pray about all of those stresses and just let them go. I'm on the search for some new books about faith (so make me some recommendations if you are reading this!). And now I feel like I actually can be happy. My heart feels full and there's plenty of room for God and for my husband and for everyone in the world, but only because God is there giving me the strength and immense capacity to love.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Relationships
Sometimes I still can't fully comprehend how I got here. My life has completely changed from what it was this time last year.
This time last year I was fretting, miserable, heartbroken, and desolate thinking that my world had been dismantled by my Baton Rouge plans being thrown out the window. I was angry at my friends. I was anxious over where I would live, how I would make money, where I would work, and just generally freaking out about losing control of my life.
Without being lost - completely lost without any hope - I never would have been found.
I know now that it was all in the plan. I was being led to where I am now. I needed Christ to pick me up and carry me for a little while, until I was strong enough to walk alongside Him.
I'm in the process of building a relationship with a young gent as a Christian for the very first time. I'm trying to make sure that my priorities stay right and that I don't become a stumbling block for him either. I am trying to build a love with him based on the model given by Christ. Patience, kindness, free from anger and jealousy and resentment. I know that the only way a relationship will last and be fulfilling is if it's built with Christ at the foundation. I'm so happy. I've never been happy in a relationship - that's why I've avoided them for the past three years. I had decided that I was happier alone than struggling to try to be happy with someone else. I never could have imagined being this happy with someone else. It's as easy as breathing as long as my priorities stay on track.
I'm realizing as I write this that I should build ALL of my relationships with Christ at the center. *ding* There goes the lightbulb. Even with people who don't believe in God or don't follow Christ, I am the person responsible for growing that relationship in the right way. I should try harder to really make an effort to focus in on those attributes of love with all the folks I'm in contact with. What a difference it would make. Challenge accepted.
<3 Good night
This time last year I was fretting, miserable, heartbroken, and desolate thinking that my world had been dismantled by my Baton Rouge plans being thrown out the window. I was angry at my friends. I was anxious over where I would live, how I would make money, where I would work, and just generally freaking out about losing control of my life.
Without being lost - completely lost without any hope - I never would have been found.
I know now that it was all in the plan. I was being led to where I am now. I needed Christ to pick me up and carry me for a little while, until I was strong enough to walk alongside Him.
I'm in the process of building a relationship with a young gent as a Christian for the very first time. I'm trying to make sure that my priorities stay right and that I don't become a stumbling block for him either. I am trying to build a love with him based on the model given by Christ. Patience, kindness, free from anger and jealousy and resentment. I know that the only way a relationship will last and be fulfilling is if it's built with Christ at the foundation. I'm so happy. I've never been happy in a relationship - that's why I've avoided them for the past three years. I had decided that I was happier alone than struggling to try to be happy with someone else. I never could have imagined being this happy with someone else. It's as easy as breathing as long as my priorities stay on track.
I'm realizing as I write this that I should build ALL of my relationships with Christ at the center. *ding* There goes the lightbulb. Even with people who don't believe in God or don't follow Christ, I am the person responsible for growing that relationship in the right way. I should try harder to really make an effort to focus in on those attributes of love with all the folks I'm in contact with. What a difference it would make. Challenge accepted.
<3 Good night
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
More on the 12
Additionally, I think the reason that Jesus chose the 12 that he did was that he knew he could rely on them to follow through on his commands after he ascended. That's what set them apart. I mean, it wouldn't have mattered what they did while he was with them if they didn't follow up and spread the gospel after Jesus was gone.
I have a lot of respect and admiration for the early church. I'm sure it was terrifying, but you know it had to be exhilarating as well. The disciples could have just gone back to their families and friends; they could have gone back to earning a living; they could have just preached the gospel to their community and left it at that, but they chose to go out into the world. They chose to live a life of outlaws, relying on God to provide for them and keep them safe. Imagine how close they felt to God, knowing that He himself was taking care of them.
If these men had not been zealously sure that Jesus was the risen Christ, they would not have fought so hard to spread Christianity. Others would not have believed them if they had not felt the Spirit move within them. In Acts, during the oppression of the early church, a teacher of the Law named Gamaliel describes a variety of instances of men following false messiahs and how those cases all fizzled out once the "messiah" died. He says of the Christians, "So in the present case I tell you, keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!" Acts 5:38
It's good to know 2000 years later, folks are still zealous about Jesus. I think that lends some accreditation to his Savior status, eh? You can't deny the Spirit; it's a powerful thing.
I have a lot of respect and admiration for the early church. I'm sure it was terrifying, but you know it had to be exhilarating as well. The disciples could have just gone back to their families and friends; they could have gone back to earning a living; they could have just preached the gospel to their community and left it at that, but they chose to go out into the world. They chose to live a life of outlaws, relying on God to provide for them and keep them safe. Imagine how close they felt to God, knowing that He himself was taking care of them.
If these men had not been zealously sure that Jesus was the risen Christ, they would not have fought so hard to spread Christianity. Others would not have believed them if they had not felt the Spirit move within them. In Acts, during the oppression of the early church, a teacher of the Law named Gamaliel describes a variety of instances of men following false messiahs and how those cases all fizzled out once the "messiah" died. He says of the Christians, "So in the present case I tell you, keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!" Acts 5:38
It's good to know 2000 years later, folks are still zealous about Jesus. I think that lends some accreditation to his Savior status, eh? You can't deny the Spirit; it's a powerful thing.
Monday, May 6, 2013
The Cool Thing about Disciples is...
I've been thinking about the disciples today while commuting to and from work.
I can appreciate the disciples because they weren't special. They were simple folks with no great gifts except their enormous faith. I mean, that's doable. I can aspire to that. They left everything they had behind because they knew that Jesus was a big deal. They knew that nothing on earth could compare to what He was offering them.
The disciples still had doubts every now and again; they fell asleep; they were confused sometimes; they never really had everything completely figured out, but they knew nothing mattered except their unrelenting faith that Jesus was the son of God and had come to earth to save us.
I hope to have that unconditional faith throughout my life.
Good night <3
I can appreciate the disciples because they weren't special. They were simple folks with no great gifts except their enormous faith. I mean, that's doable. I can aspire to that. They left everything they had behind because they knew that Jesus was a big deal. They knew that nothing on earth could compare to what He was offering them.
The disciples still had doubts every now and again; they fell asleep; they were confused sometimes; they never really had everything completely figured out, but they knew nothing mattered except their unrelenting faith that Jesus was the son of God and had come to earth to save us.
I hope to have that unconditional faith throughout my life.
Good night <3
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Radical Update
I finished "What is the mission of the church?" by DeYoung and Gilbert. I wish I could find a church that I liked so that I could build a relationship with a congregation. I miss St. Pete and I miss my home church - they both just readily accepted me into their family and made me feel so welcome. They were always gathering together to commune with each other; they take care of each other; they are so overwhelming in their kindness. I miss it. I miss having a routine centered around church. I feel like a stranger in a strange land without a church.
I've started Anne Lamott's "Traveling Mercies" and at the end of the first chapter she writes, "because no matter how bad I am feeling, how lost or lonely or frightened, when I see the faces of the people at my church, and hear their tawny voices, I can always find my way home." I feel the same way. No matter how frustrating or disappointing life gets, I can find peace and joy at my church. It's the way the folks smile at you and hug you and the way you know they love you unconditionally. I'm blessed with not only a great real family, but a great church family as well....I'm just really really far away from them :(
I have finished the New Testament except for Revelations. I'm saving that for Bible study because no way do I want to try to delve into that alone. I used to roll my eyes and scoff when others told me to read the Bible. I mean, I grew up in church, so obviously I'd heard it all already, right? So wrong. Yeesh, I was a dummy. Seriously, everything you ever need to know about being a Christian is in the Bible. You don't need anything else. That's literally written as a manual. Do this. Do this and be incredibly happy and peaceful. "The Word of God is more than able to do the work of God" - Deyoung and Gilbert say at the end of their book I finished. It's so true. If someone with doubts and fears were to sit down and read the first four books of the NT, they wouldn't be able to stop reading. I was that person. I thought, no way, but yes! a thousand times yes! It all adds up. It all makes sense. Nothing could deter me from my relationship with God. Nothing could stop me from proclaiming my love for Christ. And the Word is sufficient.
I'll be starting the Old Testament next week. Back to Genesis! Interestingly enough, I'm also about to start a book called, "The Lost World of Genesis One". Exciting stuff!
Dimes for Uganda are still being collected. My little bottle is rattling pretty nicely. I love when people send me pictures or update me about their bottles. I know that I have an awesome support team and I'm so grateful to the Lord for placing me on this path.
"For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken."
Psalm 62
<3
I've started Anne Lamott's "Traveling Mercies" and at the end of the first chapter she writes, "because no matter how bad I am feeling, how lost or lonely or frightened, when I see the faces of the people at my church, and hear their tawny voices, I can always find my way home." I feel the same way. No matter how frustrating or disappointing life gets, I can find peace and joy at my church. It's the way the folks smile at you and hug you and the way you know they love you unconditionally. I'm blessed with not only a great real family, but a great church family as well....I'm just really really far away from them :(
I have finished the New Testament except for Revelations. I'm saving that for Bible study because no way do I want to try to delve into that alone. I used to roll my eyes and scoff when others told me to read the Bible. I mean, I grew up in church, so obviously I'd heard it all already, right? So wrong. Yeesh, I was a dummy. Seriously, everything you ever need to know about being a Christian is in the Bible. You don't need anything else. That's literally written as a manual. Do this. Do this and be incredibly happy and peaceful. "The Word of God is more than able to do the work of God" - Deyoung and Gilbert say at the end of their book I finished. It's so true. If someone with doubts and fears were to sit down and read the first four books of the NT, they wouldn't be able to stop reading. I was that person. I thought, no way, but yes! a thousand times yes! It all adds up. It all makes sense. Nothing could deter me from my relationship with God. Nothing could stop me from proclaiming my love for Christ. And the Word is sufficient.
I'll be starting the Old Testament next week. Back to Genesis! Interestingly enough, I'm also about to start a book called, "The Lost World of Genesis One". Exciting stuff!
Dimes for Uganda are still being collected. My little bottle is rattling pretty nicely. I love when people send me pictures or update me about their bottles. I know that I have an awesome support team and I'm so grateful to the Lord for placing me on this path.
"For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken."
Psalm 62
<3
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Sunday morning
I love Sunday mornings. I love waking up and getting my coffee brewed and sitting down to enjoy some Bible study without stressing about anything else in the world, like getting clothes ready for work tomorrow or what time I need to go to bed in order to wake up feeling refreshed.
This morning I'm studying 1 Peter. I've read excerpts from 1 Peter that were sent to me when I was first struggling against God back in November. Those excerpts brought me peace then and now I'm just so excited to be able to sit and read the whole book with an open mind, no longer fighting against my own salvation. Crazy girl.
As I read, I underline passages that give me goosebumps - ya know, when you read something and you know it was deliberately written for you? I pretty much need to just highlight this whole book; it's so grand.
Time for church!
<3
Friday, April 12, 2013
Being a Doer
Yikes it's been a while. Sorry folks. Lots going on here with the end of the school year and big life decisions (and a new relationship <3).
I have been reading this book on the mission of the church (yes I'm still not done with it - I'm slow) and I just read a chapter on the churches' mission regarding social justice, examples would be like feeding the poor, sending relief to those in need, and basically 'righting' all the wrongs in the world. I'm still not entirely sure what the authors' perspectives are so I suggest that you read the book yourself, but so far, what I've gleaned is stated by the authors after several scriptural references "Clearly, caring for the poor, the hungry, the afflicted is not just a liberal thing to do. It is a biblical thing to do." We are biblically charged to help those around us, and there are plenty who need to be lifted up. They need a friendly hand and a smile and someone to say, "Here I am."
I read the book of James tonight as well, which flows so very very well with the book I just referenced about social justice. I like the way James writes because it just, in my opinion, encapsulates everything Christ preached while he was on earth. In summary: if you love Christ, you will love everyone, unconditionally (really really really think on what unconditionally entails, y'all; it's intense) and let that show in everything that you do. Be a DOER. It's awesome that we have this powerful God who can send a Spirit of strength and wisdom and perseverance and all we have to do is ask for it! Nothing is impossible. Think about that - we can do anything through Christ - we can feed the hungry and clothe the impoverished; we can bring nations of people who have never heard the Word to true salvation; we can teach others to love by showing them love.
As I'm typing this I'm listening to this song by Pastor Charles Jenkins called "Awesome" and I'm so uplifted. This particular song was playing after I gave my witness a couple of weeks ago in church and it penetrates my soul. I'm not scared of anything anymore, y'all. Nothing. Nothing can harm me anymore. Nothing can control me. I know He has me, and He's awesome.
My God is Awesome
I have been reading this book on the mission of the church (yes I'm still not done with it - I'm slow) and I just read a chapter on the churches' mission regarding social justice, examples would be like feeding the poor, sending relief to those in need, and basically 'righting' all the wrongs in the world. I'm still not entirely sure what the authors' perspectives are so I suggest that you read the book yourself, but so far, what I've gleaned is stated by the authors after several scriptural references "Clearly, caring for the poor, the hungry, the afflicted is not just a liberal thing to do. It is a biblical thing to do." We are biblically charged to help those around us, and there are plenty who need to be lifted up. They need a friendly hand and a smile and someone to say, "Here I am."
I read the book of James tonight as well, which flows so very very well with the book I just referenced about social justice. I like the way James writes because it just, in my opinion, encapsulates everything Christ preached while he was on earth. In summary: if you love Christ, you will love everyone, unconditionally (really really really think on what unconditionally entails, y'all; it's intense) and let that show in everything that you do. Be a DOER. It's awesome that we have this powerful God who can send a Spirit of strength and wisdom and perseverance and all we have to do is ask for it! Nothing is impossible. Think about that - we can do anything through Christ - we can feed the hungry and clothe the impoverished; we can bring nations of people who have never heard the Word to true salvation; we can teach others to love by showing them love.
As I'm typing this I'm listening to this song by Pastor Charles Jenkins called "Awesome" and I'm so uplifted. This particular song was playing after I gave my witness a couple of weeks ago in church and it penetrates my soul. I'm not scared of anything anymore, y'all. Nothing. Nothing can harm me anymore. Nothing can control me. I know He has me, and He's awesome.
My God is Awesome
He can move mountains
Keep me in the valley
Hide me from the rain
My God is Awesome
My God is Awesome
Heals me when I'm broken
Strength where I've been weakened
Forever He will reign...
My God Is Awesome
My God is Awesome
My God is Awesome
Forever He will reign...
My God Is Awesome
My God is Awesome
My God is Awesome
Savior of the whole world
Giver of Salvation
By His stripes I am healed
My God is Awesome
My God is Awesome
Today I am forgiven
His grace is why I'm living
Praise His Holy name
My God Is Awesome
My God Is Awesome
I love you all. Good night <3
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