What a great Sunday!
This morning was my first Palm Sunday in nine years. The kids were so happy bringing in and waving the palms and saying, "Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!" Such a blessing to see them!
A great sermon this morning as well. The topic was on grace using the scripture about the woman who had committed adultery and Jesus said that whoever is without sin could cast the first stone at her and the scripture about Jesus eating with the tax collectors and his message that it is not the healthy who need a doctor... Fantastic! And so of course by the end of the sermon, I'm in tears. One thing about reading through the New Testament is having the message of salvation drilled into my brain. I'm so grateful for the work of Paul and his letters that state repetitively the promise of forgiveness through grace and the acceptance of Christ as my King. I'm grateful for the cross. I'm grateful that he was good and strong and pure enough to withstand temptation and endure the pain and wrath that came with the crucifixion. I'm overjoyed that because I claim him, he will claim me.
I ordered two books today from Amazon: The Lost World of Genesis One and Traveling Mercies. I should have them by the end of the week so hopefully I'll be done with the one I'm reading now.
I've officially finished all the Pauline letters in the Bible. The next book is James.
I've got more dimes in my dime jar. It's nice to have something I'm working towards. I can't wait to go to Uganda. I'm so excited for the opportunity to share my knowledge and story with the people there. I'm so excited to meet others there who share my passion for the Lord and live in such a vastly different context. In a way, I feel that it will be easier to share the gospel there than it is over here. It's my own anxiety I'm sure.
In Bible study tonight, we discussed the baptism and temptation of Jesus in preparing him for his earthly mission. I love when scripture I've read before takes on new meaning for me. For instance, John the Baptist's sermon to the crowds coming for baptism in the Jordan:
"And the crowds asked him, 'What then shall we do?' And he answered them, "Whoever has two tunics is to share with him who has none, and whoever has food is to do likewise." Luke 3:10
As I'm preparing my heart for life as a Christian in new contexts (first in urban Nashville and then in Uganda), I'm so excited for the opportunity to be a light to others. I want God to use me as a blessing to others. I will happily give what I have if God can use me to change someone else's outlook on Christianity. I will happily share my story with others if it can change someone's outlook on Christians. I want others to look at me and know that I live through Christ's redemptive love and God's unwavering grace. I want it to be written on my heart and on my face and in my voice and in my eyes.
Amen and amen. <3
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
18 out of 66
I finished 1 Timothy tonight. There's a part in this book that really speaks to my heart.
Paul writes, "I am grateful to Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because he judged me faithful and appointed me to his service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent oppressor. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus." 1:12-14
To symbolize this mercy and grace I will be baptized either Easter Sunday or the Sunday after (depending on what everyone's schedule looks like and weather forecast since I want to be dunked). I was baptized as a child - a ritual that seemed fun and important but had no real meaning for me. I just knew it was something my family wanted me to do and it would make them happy. So, I'm considering this my real baptism. I am going into this with full knowledge of accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior and dedicating my life to His service. I want the water, symbolic of the blood, to wash away all the terrible things I did in the past. I need the water to wash it all away. I still have a lot of difficulty letting go and feeling like, "are you sure, God, are you sure you can forgive me?" I need this symbolic rite of Christians from two millennia to give me assurance that I have indeed been born again under the protection of Christ. Whew. This is a big deal. Just thinking about it overwhelms me.
A friend shared this video with me today: http://youtu.be/Ot6ORdhYR34
I love Duck Dynasty by the way; the openness with which they all speak about their faith just makes me love them more. I hope to be fortunate enough to marry a man with a moral code and family values such as Jase Robertson. <3
Paul writes, "I am grateful to Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because he judged me faithful and appointed me to his service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent oppressor. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus." 1:12-14
To symbolize this mercy and grace I will be baptized either Easter Sunday or the Sunday after (depending on what everyone's schedule looks like and weather forecast since I want to be dunked). I was baptized as a child - a ritual that seemed fun and important but had no real meaning for me. I just knew it was something my family wanted me to do and it would make them happy. So, I'm considering this my real baptism. I am going into this with full knowledge of accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior and dedicating my life to His service. I want the water, symbolic of the blood, to wash away all the terrible things I did in the past. I need the water to wash it all away. I still have a lot of difficulty letting go and feeling like, "are you sure, God, are you sure you can forgive me?" I need this symbolic rite of Christians from two millennia to give me assurance that I have indeed been born again under the protection of Christ. Whew. This is a big deal. Just thinking about it overwhelms me.
A friend shared this video with me today: http://youtu.be/Ot6ORdhYR34
I love Duck Dynasty by the way; the openness with which they all speak about their faith just makes me love them more. I hope to be fortunate enough to marry a man with a moral code and family values such as Jase Robertson. <3
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Affirmations
So far I have completed 17 out of 66 books of the Bible. Whew. I have a long long way to go. My bible study group finished Hosea tonight - lots of dark imagery in that one, but sticks to the underlying theme of repent and enjoy the steadfast love and glory of the One Almighty Creator.
Let me just show you how awesome my "multiplying community" is:
Let me just show you how awesome my "multiplying community" is:
Since I can't be there in person, I get skyped in. It's fabulous :)
At church today, my pastor here in Madison presented some pictures and stories from his recent trip to Africa. He went to Burkina Faso to experience firsthand the kind of poverty those villages endure. The churches in Indiana got together and purchased some wells for the villages, so that's the main reason he went, but he was also exposed to the other needs within that community (and so there's lots to be done!)
Anyway, he told this incredible story that I still just can't wrap my mind around, so I'll retell it here and maybe when I go to Uganda I will have a similar experience. So, he starts off this story talking about how snakes are commonly found in Burkina Faso; therefore, the natives are not at all startled by these creepy crawlies coming in and out of their village and actually use the snakes as another meat source. Gross. However, one evening as some of the village pastors were hosting an evangelic event where they went out into the surrounding villages (who are predominantly either Muslim or adhering to a tribal religion) to preach and sing and encourage others to convert to Christianity, he noticed that the villagers were cowering away from a snake that had slithered into the gathering. The pastor doesn't miss a step as he preaches, he takes a machete and cuts the snake's head off and continues his sermon. After the sermon, one of the missionaries (who had been raised in Burkina Faso) explains that the snake was a "demon snake" sent out from the witch doctors who had been lurking in the trees beyond the village and cursing the Christians the entire evening. The missionary proceeds to hold up the snake and cuts it open, slicing down the body, to reveal that there were NO ORGANS, ENTRAILS, or BLOOD. The snake was completely empty. Apparently the witch doctors there can conjure snakes from sticks - much like Pharaoh's magicians did in the Bible. Crazy, right? I wouldn't believe it except that he witnessed it firsthand. My mind is blown.
The pictures and stories from his trip to Africa just fired me up even more about my eminent trip. There is so much to be done in that country as far as evangelizing and bringing them hope for a life where maybe their kids can grow up and be healthy and full and saved by the blood of Christ. I know that the experience will benefit me probably more than my presence will benefit them. I mean, really, I can't wait to be placed in a context where I need God just for basic survival. I feel like it will really bring me closer to Him and more aware of Him in my life. Not to mention the fact that living off the grid is right up my alley and rural Africa is about as off the grid as it gets. I want a farm anyway, why not in Africa? I want a simple life free from rampant materialism, why not in Africa? Oh dear. I'm not even there yet and I'm trying to think of ways to stay or to go back sooner. I'm not sure if Uganda is going to be my final destination. It may be Burkina Faso. It may be all the way up into Haiti. And then again, it may be rural Tennessee. I just know I'm going to go where I can serve Him best. I'm going to go where I can feel Him best. The church services in Burkina Faso lasted four hours long. Very cool. Very tempting.
I started my dime bottle today. It's pretty empty still, but I've got a year and three months to fill it up (and hopefully start another one). The dinosaur next to the bottle is where the quarters, nickels, and pennies go. I've got to make saving more exciting.
Next Sunday is Palm Sunday. I haven't experienced Palm Sunday since I was in high school. I'm more excited about this than I was about prom. I wish everyone I knew was in the same position I am in. I feel like such a dork getting all excited about these new experiences with Jesus that aren't new to other people. If EVERYONE were as excited about Jesus as I am then I could just talk about it all the time like I want to. I'm not saying other people AREN'T excited about Jesus -- I'm just ecstatically excited and probably a little on the intense side. Yet another benefit to evangelizing in Africa -- new converts as excited about salvation as me!
Next Sunday is the last Sunday on the way to the cross. I can empathize with the disciples as they begged Jesus not to go. I can hardly bear the thought of him on that cross.
Go listen to a song called "New Again" by Sara Evans and Brad Paisley. It will make you weep.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Level Up
I kind of feel like I'm in school again - excitedly underlining passages that hit home and scribbling comments and smilies and asterisks in the margins. It's such a welcome feeling since most of this journey has been filled with anxiety, depression, and panic.
I'm still at peace today. I can hardly believe it. No tears as I prepare to leave a life that has become so very familiar and comfortable for me. No more anxiety. Just calm assurance (blessed assurance). I think most of my anxiety lately has come from just wanting to hold so tightly to a life that no longer brings me happiness. I am glad to be cutting loose of that and turning toward my exciting path to Mukono! I can't wait to meet those kiddos. I love them already.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Unusually Peaceful
The last chapter of Forgotten God has left me with newfound resilience. Chan writes about imagining giving everything over to God without worrying about implications of the world - ridicule, materialism, following societal standards. I don't want that! I don't want to miss out on the amazing opportunities that God will present me with! I trust Him. Wholeheartedly. I know He's got amazing things cooking for me. I want the opportunity to glorify his name. I know that some people will see me or read this blog and think, what a nutcase... I don't care. They can't feel how incredibly full my heart is right now. It's God. It's not some biological reaction to an emotional stimulus through the medium of fear. It's God. It's crazy but it's God.
There's a prayer at the end of the book, asking for the Spirit. One part says, "Speak loudly and drown out the other voices calling us to conform to the patterns of this world" and I feel like that's exactly what just happened. All of a sudden, I am just completely at peace. I acknowledge that I may not get my fairy tale ending. Or hey, I might, but it'll be later. I've got things to do. Uganda is going to be such a blessing to me. I feel it. I can't get distracted by things that look good right now -- Uganda is going to be so much better.
I'm so inarticulably thankful for a supportive family and community of believers. They've chosen to love me regardless of my past and my weirdness and I love them so very much back.
<3 In His overwhelming love and grace! Goodnight.
There's a prayer at the end of the book, asking for the Spirit. One part says, "Speak loudly and drown out the other voices calling us to conform to the patterns of this world" and I feel like that's exactly what just happened. All of a sudden, I am just completely at peace. I acknowledge that I may not get my fairy tale ending. Or hey, I might, but it'll be later. I've got things to do. Uganda is going to be such a blessing to me. I feel it. I can't get distracted by things that look good right now -- Uganda is going to be so much better.
I'm so inarticulably thankful for a supportive family and community of believers. They've chosen to love me regardless of my past and my weirdness and I love them so very much back.
<3 In His overwhelming love and grace! Goodnight.
Blurp
Heard a story today about a woman who moved to a high-poverty country in Africa as a reading specialist - goes around to schools and teaches teachers how to teach reading - who is married to a safari guide. Um, yes. Can that be my life plan? I'll teach Bible study and mentor the girls there.
<3 Thanks
<3 Thanks
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Just Say Yes!
I read a fascinating chapter in Forgotten God tonight. It was all about the will of God via guidance by the Holy Spirit and the way we're intended to respond to that guidance.
Lots of good quotes:
"And to expose our hearts to truth and consistently refuse or neglect to obey the impulses it arouses is to stymie the motions of life within us and, if persisted in, to grieve the Holy Spirit into silence."
- A. W. Tozer
To grieve the Holy Spirit? What a crazy thought! How could I, being lowly and weak and totally unworthy, grieve the Holy Spirit by refusing His leadership? I haven't yet realized how to discern what might be the Spirit and what just might be my own desires for my life. For instance, I know it's the influence of the Spirit that is driving me to go to Uganda because it's so inexplicable to me. I've never wanted to go work in Africa before this - it was never in my "life plan", so I'm giving that up to Him. But right now I'm dealing with a big life decision - do I stay where I am or do I change paths? The moment I feel like I've made a decision, something happens to change my mind and drive me the opposite way; the next week the opposite happens. Maybe both paths take me to the same place eventually so it doesn't really matter which way I go. Hmm. I hadn't thought about that actually.
Furthermore:
Chan goes on to talk about not focusing on what God has willed for our long term life plan, but also learning how to abide by the Spirit each day, each minute. He says, "Jesus Christ did not die in order to follow us. He died and rose again so that we could forget everything else and follow Him to the cross, to true life" Let me tell you, it's hard for me to give up my life plan. I have a darn good plan and it makes me really happy to think that one day I'll own a big piece of land with chickens, cows, solar panels, windmills, a big self-sustaining garden and greenhouse, a husband that can hit a tin can with a rifle from (insert appropriately long distance here) yards away, and a couple of awesome kiddos that love and revere the Lord. That sounds like an awesome plan to me. I'm not apt to give up on it - so when things look as if they are going to take me away from that life plan, I get a little frustrated, honestly. Anyway, I have a hard time listening to the Spirit right away. I typically like to weigh my options a bit - but NOW I don't want to grieve Him into silence! I need to work on my instantaneous response and graciousness.
Finally, the last thing I underlined:
Chan writes, "Like yeast and flour are both necessary to bread, both God's action and our response-action are necessary in this relationship with God." And so, yes, Christ promised the Spirit to us before he was crucified, that he would be sending the Helper to guide us, but our relationship with God cannot develop unless we also respond to that Spirit. Amazing. I suck at communicating, by the way, and that translates over into my relationship with God as well. I get frustrated and worrisome and feel abandoned and just totally ignore Him which makes me even more miserable until I get some serious alone time with Him and just ask, once again, for His peace. It's really scary to think about what He might ask me to do. Like I said, I really really don't want to let go of my life plan, but I believe in His promise to take care of me, so I know that wherever He leads me, if I follow, it'll be best. I just hope He's leading me to this farm......
Good night <3
Lots of good quotes:
"And to expose our hearts to truth and consistently refuse or neglect to obey the impulses it arouses is to stymie the motions of life within us and, if persisted in, to grieve the Holy Spirit into silence."
- A. W. Tozer
To grieve the Holy Spirit? What a crazy thought! How could I, being lowly and weak and totally unworthy, grieve the Holy Spirit by refusing His leadership? I haven't yet realized how to discern what might be the Spirit and what just might be my own desires for my life. For instance, I know it's the influence of the Spirit that is driving me to go to Uganda because it's so inexplicable to me. I've never wanted to go work in Africa before this - it was never in my "life plan", so I'm giving that up to Him. But right now I'm dealing with a big life decision - do I stay where I am or do I change paths? The moment I feel like I've made a decision, something happens to change my mind and drive me the opposite way; the next week the opposite happens. Maybe both paths take me to the same place eventually so it doesn't really matter which way I go. Hmm. I hadn't thought about that actually.
Furthermore:
Chan goes on to talk about not focusing on what God has willed for our long term life plan, but also learning how to abide by the Spirit each day, each minute. He says, "Jesus Christ did not die in order to follow us. He died and rose again so that we could forget everything else and follow Him to the cross, to true life" Let me tell you, it's hard for me to give up my life plan. I have a darn good plan and it makes me really happy to think that one day I'll own a big piece of land with chickens, cows, solar panels, windmills, a big self-sustaining garden and greenhouse, a husband that can hit a tin can with a rifle from (insert appropriately long distance here) yards away, and a couple of awesome kiddos that love and revere the Lord. That sounds like an awesome plan to me. I'm not apt to give up on it - so when things look as if they are going to take me away from that life plan, I get a little frustrated, honestly. Anyway, I have a hard time listening to the Spirit right away. I typically like to weigh my options a bit - but NOW I don't want to grieve Him into silence! I need to work on my instantaneous response and graciousness.
Finally, the last thing I underlined:
Chan writes, "Like yeast and flour are both necessary to bread, both God's action and our response-action are necessary in this relationship with God." And so, yes, Christ promised the Spirit to us before he was crucified, that he would be sending the Helper to guide us, but our relationship with God cannot develop unless we also respond to that Spirit. Amazing. I suck at communicating, by the way, and that translates over into my relationship with God as well. I get frustrated and worrisome and feel abandoned and just totally ignore Him which makes me even more miserable until I get some serious alone time with Him and just ask, once again, for His peace. It's really scary to think about what He might ask me to do. Like I said, I really really don't want to let go of my life plan, but I believe in His promise to take care of me, so I know that wherever He leads me, if I follow, it'll be best. I just hope He's leading me to this farm......
Good night <3
Monday, March 11, 2013
Being Tested
"No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
I love this scripture.
The past two days have been a test of endurance and patience for me, for sure. Traveling within itself makes me anxious. Throw in some mechanical problems, an emergency landing, a tiny airport crowded with a variety of people in a variety of temperaments (insert social anxiety here), a long night before finally getting to a hotel room and passing out from exhaustion, missing a day of work, driving home from the airport in torrential rain for an hour...I feel beat up.
It is such a relief to be home and reorient myself into a routine. A chapter in Forgotten God, a moment of reflection, a few chapters or a book of the Bible, prayer. I still didn't get to play my guitar, but one step at a time I suppose. I'm so far behind in everything. I just want to instill in myself these good habits - maybe, God willing that I procreate, to be later instilled in my children. These habits are important to me, not because I feel like I am required to do them, but because I know I need them. They remind me that I belong to Him. I'm still adjusting myself to the life of a Christian. I still haven't figured out how to live it to maximum efficacy. I want my sense of God to be as intuitive as breathing. A lot of times I have to stop myself and remember Him. "oh yeah, I don't have to do all this by myself." "oh yeah, He is watching over me right now to keep me safe." "oh yeah, I should give Him a thank you for an awesome day" I want to train my responses to always be to Him first.
I can't wait to go to Uganda. It's the driving force that's keeping my feet on the ground. I need this experience. I just need to live with God in a different context. Maybe that's my answer. Instead of trying to figure out how to be a Christian in America, I should just get out of here. If that's my path, I trust that God will light the way for me -- he'll part the Red Sea and I'll make it across and far away from the Egyptian army.
Good night <3
I love this scripture.
The past two days have been a test of endurance and patience for me, for sure. Traveling within itself makes me anxious. Throw in some mechanical problems, an emergency landing, a tiny airport crowded with a variety of people in a variety of temperaments (insert social anxiety here), a long night before finally getting to a hotel room and passing out from exhaustion, missing a day of work, driving home from the airport in torrential rain for an hour...I feel beat up.
It is such a relief to be home and reorient myself into a routine. A chapter in Forgotten God, a moment of reflection, a few chapters or a book of the Bible, prayer. I still didn't get to play my guitar, but one step at a time I suppose. I'm so far behind in everything. I just want to instill in myself these good habits - maybe, God willing that I procreate, to be later instilled in my children. These habits are important to me, not because I feel like I am required to do them, but because I know I need them. They remind me that I belong to Him. I'm still adjusting myself to the life of a Christian. I still haven't figured out how to live it to maximum efficacy. I want my sense of God to be as intuitive as breathing. A lot of times I have to stop myself and remember Him. "oh yeah, I don't have to do all this by myself." "oh yeah, He is watching over me right now to keep me safe." "oh yeah, I should give Him a thank you for an awesome day" I want to train my responses to always be to Him first.
I can't wait to go to Uganda. It's the driving force that's keeping my feet on the ground. I need this experience. I just need to live with God in a different context. Maybe that's my answer. Instead of trying to figure out how to be a Christian in America, I should just get out of here. If that's my path, I trust that God will light the way for me -- he'll part the Red Sea and I'll make it across and far away from the Egyptian army.
Good night <3
Sunday, March 10, 2013
At an airport in Midland Texas - a vignette on love
This is sort of turning into a travel blog lately, ha.
While flying from LAX to Houston, the plane had some engine trouble and we had to make an emergency landing in Midland, TX - where there are no actual planes, just some private prop planes and such. I'm stuck here for a bit, so I'm going to use my time wisely and catch up on this writing and some reading.
Anyway..
On the plane, I was thinking about the concept of love and it's contextual meaning in the biblical/Christian sense contrasted with the secular context and why it does or does not work. Why is it so difficult to love someone? (Not just romantic love, although I do think romantic love in the world has become somewhat farcical and not at all what it was intended to be) What is it that makes love so scary - scary to the point where most of us avoid the word/the commitment/ the belief in it altogether? The Bible makes love sound so easy, so desirable, so simple. Within the Bible, we also find that love is necessary. How, as a people, have we lost our faith in love? And if we lose our faith in love, what is the impact on our Christianity?
There are so many great models of love in the Bible - the most ideal being Christ's love for his Church (church meaning all who follow him and claim him as their Lord and Savior). When we examine the language in the gospels that Christ uses for his disciples, such as that amazing prayer in John 17, it just seems like that type of self-sacrificing, pure, unconditional love is impossible to recreate. Even when you lower the standards to take into context our weak, distractible human minds, I feel like as the Church we are missing the mark.
I'm the worst. Let me just go ahead and make that statement. I'm not preaching to a congregation here, this is more of a self-exploration blog and I am calling myself out. I suck at loving others. I thought I was better at it. I've had an easy road lately, though. I accepted Christ into my life in November/December. I was at my family's home for half of January - easy to love those people because they are awesome. Then I moved to rural Kentuckiana - easy to love those people because they are kind and accepting and most of the time I'm just surrounded by bright-eyed, sunshiney kiddos. This work trip was hard. I failed. Badly. At several points I was tempted just to hole up in my hotel room so I didn't even have to try anymore. Why is it so difficult? Seriously. I'll be happy to hear your comments. I just could not remove these blips of jealousy, hatred, judgment, anger -- it was a hot mess. And it makes a mess of me. Once those thoughts hit me, I just could not get out of this funk. It wasn't anything or anyone specifically (for those of you who may be reading this who were with me for this trip), it was just an overwhelming acknowledgement that I do not know how to be a Christian in the real world.
Even sitting in this airport right now, which is crazy small and crowded - all that I hear is angst, cattiness, vulgarity. I'm watching several married couples to see how they interact with each other, and I'm just beat down. I'm not judging anyone, honestly, I'm just observing behavior here. No eye contact, argumentativeness, men blatantly staring at other women. That's not what I want. God gave us a gift in giving us the ability to feel/perceive/receive/desire love. Again, I just can't figure out where the disconnect is. Why can't we overcome our own fears? Why do we put up these walls? Why do we hurt each other and block each other out of our lives? Why is it so difficult to say 'I love you' and why is it so difficult to accept that statement from someone else? Again, I'm not just talking romantically. My sister and I have a hard time saying and hearing 'I love you' from each other. I don't know why. I know there are similar stories out there in all contexts of love.
If we could love each other and love God using the standard and copious examples set in the scripture (seriously they are EVERYWHERE in the Bible), imagine how joyful we would all be.
Imagine if we could really be patient.
Imagine if we could really be kind.
Imagine if we could avoid jealousy. - that's the one that kicks my rear all the time
Imagine if we didn't boast to one another.
Imagine if we could avoid arrogance.
Imagine if we could avoid rudeness.
Imagine if we weren't stubborn. - this one too
Imagine if we weren't irritable.
Imagine if we weren't resentful. - and that one
Imagine if we REJOICED with truthfulness.
Imagine if we bore it all for others, believed in all things, hoped in all things, and with love - we ENDURED all things. (Endurance - there's something our society lacks when it comes to love)
Imagine your life following that rubric. When I imagine my life, trying to love the way God intended for me to love, I am filled with warmth. I wish it were easy. It's so very difficult.
What are the implications on our Christianity when we can't overcome the world and love one another? Where does that lead us? I'm scared. This week really scared me. I thought I had made significant changes in my life, but when I was thrown back into the real world, I drowned.
I'm thankful for grace. Without it, this girl would be a lost cause.
Opinions? Encouraging words? Examples? I'm all ears.
While flying from LAX to Houston, the plane had some engine trouble and we had to make an emergency landing in Midland, TX - where there are no actual planes, just some private prop planes and such. I'm stuck here for a bit, so I'm going to use my time wisely and catch up on this writing and some reading.
Anyway..
On the plane, I was thinking about the concept of love and it's contextual meaning in the biblical/Christian sense contrasted with the secular context and why it does or does not work. Why is it so difficult to love someone? (Not just romantic love, although I do think romantic love in the world has become somewhat farcical and not at all what it was intended to be) What is it that makes love so scary - scary to the point where most of us avoid the word/the commitment/ the belief in it altogether? The Bible makes love sound so easy, so desirable, so simple. Within the Bible, we also find that love is necessary. How, as a people, have we lost our faith in love? And if we lose our faith in love, what is the impact on our Christianity?
There are so many great models of love in the Bible - the most ideal being Christ's love for his Church (church meaning all who follow him and claim him as their Lord and Savior). When we examine the language in the gospels that Christ uses for his disciples, such as that amazing prayer in John 17, it just seems like that type of self-sacrificing, pure, unconditional love is impossible to recreate. Even when you lower the standards to take into context our weak, distractible human minds, I feel like as the Church we are missing the mark.
I'm the worst. Let me just go ahead and make that statement. I'm not preaching to a congregation here, this is more of a self-exploration blog and I am calling myself out. I suck at loving others. I thought I was better at it. I've had an easy road lately, though. I accepted Christ into my life in November/December. I was at my family's home for half of January - easy to love those people because they are awesome. Then I moved to rural Kentuckiana - easy to love those people because they are kind and accepting and most of the time I'm just surrounded by bright-eyed, sunshiney kiddos. This work trip was hard. I failed. Badly. At several points I was tempted just to hole up in my hotel room so I didn't even have to try anymore. Why is it so difficult? Seriously. I'll be happy to hear your comments. I just could not remove these blips of jealousy, hatred, judgment, anger -- it was a hot mess. And it makes a mess of me. Once those thoughts hit me, I just could not get out of this funk. It wasn't anything or anyone specifically (for those of you who may be reading this who were with me for this trip), it was just an overwhelming acknowledgement that I do not know how to be a Christian in the real world.
Even sitting in this airport right now, which is crazy small and crowded - all that I hear is angst, cattiness, vulgarity. I'm watching several married couples to see how they interact with each other, and I'm just beat down. I'm not judging anyone, honestly, I'm just observing behavior here. No eye contact, argumentativeness, men blatantly staring at other women. That's not what I want. God gave us a gift in giving us the ability to feel/perceive/receive/desire love. Again, I just can't figure out where the disconnect is. Why can't we overcome our own fears? Why do we put up these walls? Why do we hurt each other and block each other out of our lives? Why is it so difficult to say 'I love you' and why is it so difficult to accept that statement from someone else? Again, I'm not just talking romantically. My sister and I have a hard time saying and hearing 'I love you' from each other. I don't know why. I know there are similar stories out there in all contexts of love.
If we could love each other and love God using the standard and copious examples set in the scripture (seriously they are EVERYWHERE in the Bible), imagine how joyful we would all be.
Imagine if we could really be patient.
Imagine if we could really be kind.
Imagine if we could avoid jealousy. - that's the one that kicks my rear all the time
Imagine if we didn't boast to one another.
Imagine if we could avoid arrogance.
Imagine if we could avoid rudeness.
Imagine if we weren't stubborn. - this one too
Imagine if we weren't irritable.
Imagine if we weren't resentful. - and that one
Imagine if we REJOICED with truthfulness.
Imagine if we bore it all for others, believed in all things, hoped in all things, and with love - we ENDURED all things. (Endurance - there's something our society lacks when it comes to love)
Imagine your life following that rubric. When I imagine my life, trying to love the way God intended for me to love, I am filled with warmth. I wish it were easy. It's so very difficult.
What are the implications on our Christianity when we can't overcome the world and love one another? Where does that lead us? I'm scared. This week really scared me. I thought I had made significant changes in my life, but when I was thrown back into the real world, I drowned.
I'm thankful for grace. Without it, this girl would be a lost cause.
Opinions? Encouraging words? Examples? I'm all ears.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Epistles
So, finished Ephesians this morning. Told you all I would. Loved it, of course. It's so to the point. I like it when information is presented in a concise, factual sort of way. The book is easily translated into the modern church.
Just saying, I read a book of the Bible while on vacation in Disneyland so maybe I need a gold star. Yep.
Good night <3
Just saying, I read a book of the Bible while on vacation in Disneyland so maybe I need a gold star. Yep.
Good night <3
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
In a hotel in California
Listen to this prayer from Ephesians (one day I'll finish the book I swear):
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God"
I just really can't get enough of this. I pray that I can learn to love better.
I'm partially glad that I left the church for a little while. I can see what my life was like before and what it's like now. I don't ever want to live without the love of Christ again. I couldn't.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God"
I just really can't get enough of this. I pray that I can learn to love better.
I'm partially glad that I left the church for a little while. I can see what my life was like before and what it's like now. I don't ever want to live without the love of Christ again. I couldn't.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
In a hotel in Louisville
I'm so far behind on reading and praying. Yikes. I'll catch up once everything slows down a bit. I haven't totally neglected my spiritual life, I mean, every time I go home it's like how much Bible time and church time can I cram into three days? It just takes me out of my routine.
It's amazing how peaceful I feel in my heart now that I got confirmation on Uganda. This opportunity is going to strengthen my faith and pull me so much closer to God. I know it's one baby step towards what I can accomplish with His guidance. I'm not sure what the next step is, but I know I'm on the right track.
The chapter I read in Forgotten God tonight was about being afraid of asking for the Spirit. It's terrifying to think of what God might ask of you if you really commit your life to Him and let Him make the decisions. I have a panic attack every time I lose control of something in the real world. I don't trust people very easily, if at all. I still have a hard time letting go of things, but I acknowledge that when I do let them go and let Him lead me, I feel so much relief. I've never been so happy and at ease with the world. I seriously know that nothing can snatch me away from Him. I'm so thankful that He called me back to the flock.
While at home, I got a mini lesson about the Hebrew names for God and the reverence with which those names were written, spoken, and not spoken. I want to try to be more reverent of the name of God and treat Him with the reverence He deserves. Not only Him, but His Word as well. I also want to study some ancient Hebrew grammar. Linguistics fascinates me.
So a quick Radical update:
Prayer for the world: Seriously behind, but still keeping track and will catch up soon.
Reading the Bible in entirety: Working on Ephesians solo and Hosea in Bible Study
Sacrificing Money: My latest 'sacrifice' proved to be quite a blessing to see how awesome God works with all of us to provide for all.
Foreign Context: Confirmation on Uganda, so I'm making the steps to follow through.
Multiplying Community: Haven't figured this out yet. There's really no opportunities where I am living now, so I will be researching churches in Nashville. However, when I go home, I am definitely part of a multiplying community, and they proved that when I asked for their prayer and monetary support this weekend. Love them.
"I will extol you, my God and King
and bless your name forever and ever.
Every day I will bless you
and praise your name forever and ever.
Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,
and his greatness is unsearchable." Psalms 145: 1-3
It's amazing how peaceful I feel in my heart now that I got confirmation on Uganda. This opportunity is going to strengthen my faith and pull me so much closer to God. I know it's one baby step towards what I can accomplish with His guidance. I'm not sure what the next step is, but I know I'm on the right track.
The chapter I read in Forgotten God tonight was about being afraid of asking for the Spirit. It's terrifying to think of what God might ask of you if you really commit your life to Him and let Him make the decisions. I have a panic attack every time I lose control of something in the real world. I don't trust people very easily, if at all. I still have a hard time letting go of things, but I acknowledge that when I do let them go and let Him lead me, I feel so much relief. I've never been so happy and at ease with the world. I seriously know that nothing can snatch me away from Him. I'm so thankful that He called me back to the flock.
While at home, I got a mini lesson about the Hebrew names for God and the reverence with which those names were written, spoken, and not spoken. I want to try to be more reverent of the name of God and treat Him with the reverence He deserves. Not only Him, but His Word as well. I also want to study some ancient Hebrew grammar. Linguistics fascinates me.
So a quick Radical update:
Prayer for the world: Seriously behind, but still keeping track and will catch up soon.
Reading the Bible in entirety: Working on Ephesians solo and Hosea in Bible Study
Sacrificing Money: My latest 'sacrifice' proved to be quite a blessing to see how awesome God works with all of us to provide for all.
Foreign Context: Confirmation on Uganda, so I'm making the steps to follow through.
Multiplying Community: Haven't figured this out yet. There's really no opportunities where I am living now, so I will be researching churches in Nashville. However, when I go home, I am definitely part of a multiplying community, and they proved that when I asked for their prayer and monetary support this weekend. Love them.
"I will extol you, my God and King
and bless your name forever and ever.
Every day I will bless you
and praise your name forever and ever.
Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,
and his greatness is unsearchable." Psalms 145: 1-3
Sunday, March 3, 2013
The Countdown Begins
I spoke at the three churches today to let them know my intentions of going to Uganda. In order for them to understand the significance of my call, I started at the beginning of course. I informed people who believed that I was a good Christian girl all of my life that I was an atheist for eight years. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to choke out. At the first church I almost didn't choke it out, actually. I broke down into tears not even two minutes into my story and was certain that I could not go on. I wasn't ready to tell everyone my story, even though I knew it had a happy ending. Hallelujah for prayer. Hallelujah for a church full of people who love God and support each other. When I broke down, they immediately lifted me up. I made it through my story and was filled with the knowledge that I will be supported every step of the journey, not only by God, but by other faithful Christians who love unconditionally.
Again, there's no reason for me to have all of this support. Some of the folks who came up and hugged me and prayed with me hardly know me at all. I haven't lived here in nine years; I'm not around for church events; I don't really contribute to anything for them, and yet, they are backing me 100%. I felt the Spirit. I felt the Spirit with me all the way. It's such a curious and overwhelming feeling. I can't help but cry sometimes. I look like an idiot to everyone else I'm sure, but I can't control it. I'm just not used to comfort, peace, and love.
As I was leaving the first church, a visiting pastor pulled me aside, gave me a hug, assured me that this was just the beginning and said, "welcome to the ministry." I can't get the statement out of my head. It's terrifying, and I'm not entirely sure what it means exactly or how deeply it goes. Right now, I'm just starting with two months in Uganda. That's all I can think about right now.
Logistically, I have a TON of things to do to get ready for this trip. Lots and lots of praying for starters. Then there's fundraising and managing all of my bills while I'm gone. Plane tickets. I need a definitive packing list. I've got my passport, so there's one step checked off. Prayer first. Prayer always.
Good night <3
Again, there's no reason for me to have all of this support. Some of the folks who came up and hugged me and prayed with me hardly know me at all. I haven't lived here in nine years; I'm not around for church events; I don't really contribute to anything for them, and yet, they are backing me 100%. I felt the Spirit. I felt the Spirit with me all the way. It's such a curious and overwhelming feeling. I can't help but cry sometimes. I look like an idiot to everyone else I'm sure, but I can't control it. I'm just not used to comfort, peace, and love.
As I was leaving the first church, a visiting pastor pulled me aside, gave me a hug, assured me that this was just the beginning and said, "welcome to the ministry." I can't get the statement out of my head. It's terrifying, and I'm not entirely sure what it means exactly or how deeply it goes. Right now, I'm just starting with two months in Uganda. That's all I can think about right now.
Logistically, I have a TON of things to do to get ready for this trip. Lots and lots of praying for starters. Then there's fundraising and managing all of my bills while I'm gone. Plane tickets. I need a definitive packing list. I've got my passport, so there's one step checked off. Prayer first. Prayer always.
Good night <3
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Call Confirmed
I received confirmation today from the director at the orphanage in Uganda that I am welcome to come and serve there in June and July 2014!! It's like yet again, God comes through and lets me know I'm on the right track. I was thinking on my drive home last night how great it would be to have received confirmation on my trip so that I could speak to the churches about it while I'm at home visiting, and hallelujah it came! This is going to be my first taste of mission work and I've already heard that if I go, I may never come back (as in I won't want to leave not that I'm going to get killed in the field ha). I would be okay with that. A life where my only real job is to spread the word and light and love of Christ with others through service and compassion? Yes please.
I will be giving my conversion testimony in three churches tomorrow to let them all know my intention in going to Uganda. I (and my dear darling pastor) believe that in order to have full understanding of the call, I need to explain where I was six months ago versus where I am now. I don't mind giving my testimony to people who don't know me very well, but when I stand up and tell my family that I "left the church" for eight years, I think my older aunties might just have a stroke right there in their pew. Yikes. I was pretty good at pretending to be Christian for, ya know, my whole life.
In other, sadder news, a member of our community passed away yesterday. He was a pastor for many years and preached at our church revival several times that I can remember from my childhood. People all over this city talk about how good of a preacher he was. When he started preaching, the room would catch on fire. People would cry and holler "Amen!" and you know that they were feeling the Spirit. I am sad that I will never hear him preach now that I know Christ. My heart breaks for his family, his mother and father, his wife, his children -- my heart just absolutely hurts for them because he was such a ray of sunshine in everyone's life. BUT I know that he is standing in awe and amazement at the wonder of God and Jesus right now in Heaven and I am comforted knowing that he is experiencing a happiness that is unknown on the earth. He was a man who truly loved the Lord and it shown in every thing that he did. He will be greatly missed.
Tomorrow is my favorite day of the week! I'm so happy to be home to worship with my home church and attend Bible study with my YAMs via real life instead of skype!
I will be giving my conversion testimony in three churches tomorrow to let them all know my intention in going to Uganda. I (and my dear darling pastor) believe that in order to have full understanding of the call, I need to explain where I was six months ago versus where I am now. I don't mind giving my testimony to people who don't know me very well, but when I stand up and tell my family that I "left the church" for eight years, I think my older aunties might just have a stroke right there in their pew. Yikes. I was pretty good at pretending to be Christian for, ya know, my whole life.
In other, sadder news, a member of our community passed away yesterday. He was a pastor for many years and preached at our church revival several times that I can remember from my childhood. People all over this city talk about how good of a preacher he was. When he started preaching, the room would catch on fire. People would cry and holler "Amen!" and you know that they were feeling the Spirit. I am sad that I will never hear him preach now that I know Christ. My heart breaks for his family, his mother and father, his wife, his children -- my heart just absolutely hurts for them because he was such a ray of sunshine in everyone's life. BUT I know that he is standing in awe and amazement at the wonder of God and Jesus right now in Heaven and I am comforted knowing that he is experiencing a happiness that is unknown on the earth. He was a man who truly loved the Lord and it shown in every thing that he did. He will be greatly missed.
Tomorrow is my favorite day of the week! I'm so happy to be home to worship with my home church and attend Bible study with my YAMs via real life instead of skype!
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