I was born into a Christian family. I was born into a Christian town, actually. Living in the 'Bible belt' of North Alabama, most people are God-fearing, church-attending, gospel music-listening folks. It's the norm. I went through the motions like everyone else. I was "involved" in church. I attended. I sang. I bowed my head in prayer. I never really believed a word of it and I knew it in my heart all along.
My first year of college (6 hours away from home), I remember calling a dear old friend of mine while I was strolling through Wal-Mart one night and telling him "I don't believe in God anymore." It was the first time I really admitted it to myself. As soon as I said it, I felt pretty good about myself. I felt like, hey, I'm smarter than those ignorant people who believe in something they can't see or hear. Anyway, you get the picture.
I was an atheist for eight years. Looking back now, those eight years were dismal at best. I dated atheist or Muslim men who treated me poorly. I won't go into the details of all the dumb things I did in rebellion. I won't go into details about how worn down I became in my heart and mind. I never understood why I felt so desolate.
Until....
I felt the call. It was absolutely unlike anything I had ever experienced, and I cannot begin to articulate it here. It was terrifying and comforting. It was destructive and freeing. It was, without a single doubt in my mind, the Holy Spirit coming down and overtaking me. "Go back to church" and I did (with heavy doubts and walls up). "Read Psalm 91" and I did ( I didn't even have a Bible with me at the time, so I had to google it). For a week straight, every night, this overpowering feeling would come upon me and break me down until I had to cry. I had to confess. I had to plead with God to take me back, forgive me, and rebuild me again with His strength, love, and compassion.
So after eight years of ridiculing others for their faith, I have been found by the Great Shepherd. Praise God He didn't leave me to the wolves and the wilderness. I hunger for the Word. I yearn for Christian fellowship. I am saying things and doing things that are SO alien to me...I can't begin to explain it, but I'm happy. I'm joyful.
I'm setting out on this journey with great hope, but I want to do it RIGHT. I don't want to be 'lukewarm', which is why I'm taking on the Radical Experiment. I pray that it radically changes me and that I can sustain this momentum for the rest of my days on earth.
"I called to the Lord out of my distress and he answered me; out of the belly of Sheol I cried and you heard my voice." Jonah 2:1
I think what you are doing is fantastic. I will also say that it is very easy for many people who try to follow a radical mindset to fall down the path of forgetting how to relate graciously and tenderly to those who don't believe EXACTLY like they do. Which is understandable when you have such an important message to share, but can sometimes cause distance or withdrawal from the very people you intend to help. And it just so happens that Mackie D has read this book a time or two. He is an amazing person to discuss how to tow the line between radical faith and logic, or struggling with conflicts with your own personal beliefs so that you can actually accomplish the most good. (And I know you will succeed!) For me personally, I always try to keep it at least 80% actions and 20% words. The example you set goes a LONG way in the minds of other people and lends credibility to your words. You are off to a great start, lady.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kimmie! I understand exactly what you are saying. I remember being on the other side of this bridge and will take care to always empathize and never pressure or condemn others. I hope to just be a light for others. Especially initially, because my words are just gibberish at this point I'm so unable to articulate anything I'm feeling or thinking - I'm picturing it'll be more like 95% action, 5% words.
DeleteCourtney - I had no idea that when you came to us at St. Luke's this is the shift you were experiencing. I'm so glad to have been an inadvertent witness to God shaking you by the shoulders. Miss you in Florida, sister.
ReplyDeleteI miss you guys too, Maresi! Without all of the acceptance and love I felt at St. Luke's right off the bat, none of this would have come to fruition. I'll remember and cherish you amazing group of ladies forever. :)
DeleteYOU ARE A BADASS. END COMMUNICATION.
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