I'm blessed to have many people in my life who help me refocus on what's important when things start to get blurry. I was sitting and talking with my stepmom one evening and in this story she was telling me she said something like, 'there's a God-shaped hole in everyone and you can't fill it with anything but God or you'll never find happiness..." How absolutely true.
These past few months have been CRAZY. With a new relationship turning into a long-distance relationship, then turning into a long-distance engagement, then turning into a marriage, I have been focusing all of my energy on trying to keep everything together. My whole life has changed. I'm no longer solely concerned about myself and my family, but now I'm taking care of a husband and having to figure out how to communicate and live with someone else. How do I balance my wants with his wants? How do I balance his family with mine? How do we balance our future? And here's a biggie - how do we balance our budget?! Yikes.
But to the point -- I was constantly aware that I was losing my focus. I was filling my time with wedding plans and spending weekends and weeks driving back and forth from Indiana to Missouri. I wasn't finding time to read my Bible, I prayed sporadically, and I almost didn't even know how to pray anymore, I was making excuses for those Sundays I missed church, and I wasn't finding myself wanting to talk about my love for the Lord anymore. And I wasn't happy. I even knew I wasn't happy. When I did find time to pray, my prayers were, "I don't know how to do this anymore." "Something's missing and I don't know what it is and I don't know how to change it." "Help me find you again." When my stepmom used that phrase, "a God-shaped hole," I realized what I had done then. I had been filling that hole (and seriously failing) with things of the world. With stress about a wedding and families meeting for the first time. With my new husband who falls so short of God, and who is absolutely ALLOWED to fall short of God, because he's not all perfect, but mostly perfect and that's just perfectly fine with me. With financial stress and moving-in-together stress and all of these things that just do not give me the fulfilling satisfaction of having God in that God-shaped hole right in the center, forefront of my little heart.
And so, I'm getting ready for church this morning. I'm finding little moments to pray about all of those stresses and just let them go. I'm on the search for some new books about faith (so make me some recommendations if you are reading this!). And now I feel like I actually can be happy. My heart feels full and there's plenty of room for God and for my husband and for everyone in the world, but only because God is there giving me the strength and immense capacity to love.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Relationships
Sometimes I still can't fully comprehend how I got here. My life has completely changed from what it was this time last year.
This time last year I was fretting, miserable, heartbroken, and desolate thinking that my world had been dismantled by my Baton Rouge plans being thrown out the window. I was angry at my friends. I was anxious over where I would live, how I would make money, where I would work, and just generally freaking out about losing control of my life.
Without being lost - completely lost without any hope - I never would have been found.
I know now that it was all in the plan. I was being led to where I am now. I needed Christ to pick me up and carry me for a little while, until I was strong enough to walk alongside Him.
I'm in the process of building a relationship with a young gent as a Christian for the very first time. I'm trying to make sure that my priorities stay right and that I don't become a stumbling block for him either. I am trying to build a love with him based on the model given by Christ. Patience, kindness, free from anger and jealousy and resentment. I know that the only way a relationship will last and be fulfilling is if it's built with Christ at the foundation. I'm so happy. I've never been happy in a relationship - that's why I've avoided them for the past three years. I had decided that I was happier alone than struggling to try to be happy with someone else. I never could have imagined being this happy with someone else. It's as easy as breathing as long as my priorities stay on track.
I'm realizing as I write this that I should build ALL of my relationships with Christ at the center. *ding* There goes the lightbulb. Even with people who don't believe in God or don't follow Christ, I am the person responsible for growing that relationship in the right way. I should try harder to really make an effort to focus in on those attributes of love with all the folks I'm in contact with. What a difference it would make. Challenge accepted.
<3 Good night
This time last year I was fretting, miserable, heartbroken, and desolate thinking that my world had been dismantled by my Baton Rouge plans being thrown out the window. I was angry at my friends. I was anxious over where I would live, how I would make money, where I would work, and just generally freaking out about losing control of my life.
Without being lost - completely lost without any hope - I never would have been found.
I know now that it was all in the plan. I was being led to where I am now. I needed Christ to pick me up and carry me for a little while, until I was strong enough to walk alongside Him.
I'm in the process of building a relationship with a young gent as a Christian for the very first time. I'm trying to make sure that my priorities stay right and that I don't become a stumbling block for him either. I am trying to build a love with him based on the model given by Christ. Patience, kindness, free from anger and jealousy and resentment. I know that the only way a relationship will last and be fulfilling is if it's built with Christ at the foundation. I'm so happy. I've never been happy in a relationship - that's why I've avoided them for the past three years. I had decided that I was happier alone than struggling to try to be happy with someone else. I never could have imagined being this happy with someone else. It's as easy as breathing as long as my priorities stay on track.
I'm realizing as I write this that I should build ALL of my relationships with Christ at the center. *ding* There goes the lightbulb. Even with people who don't believe in God or don't follow Christ, I am the person responsible for growing that relationship in the right way. I should try harder to really make an effort to focus in on those attributes of love with all the folks I'm in contact with. What a difference it would make. Challenge accepted.
<3 Good night
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
More on the 12
Additionally, I think the reason that Jesus chose the 12 that he did was that he knew he could rely on them to follow through on his commands after he ascended. That's what set them apart. I mean, it wouldn't have mattered what they did while he was with them if they didn't follow up and spread the gospel after Jesus was gone.
I have a lot of respect and admiration for the early church. I'm sure it was terrifying, but you know it had to be exhilarating as well. The disciples could have just gone back to their families and friends; they could have gone back to earning a living; they could have just preached the gospel to their community and left it at that, but they chose to go out into the world. They chose to live a life of outlaws, relying on God to provide for them and keep them safe. Imagine how close they felt to God, knowing that He himself was taking care of them.
If these men had not been zealously sure that Jesus was the risen Christ, they would not have fought so hard to spread Christianity. Others would not have believed them if they had not felt the Spirit move within them. In Acts, during the oppression of the early church, a teacher of the Law named Gamaliel describes a variety of instances of men following false messiahs and how those cases all fizzled out once the "messiah" died. He says of the Christians, "So in the present case I tell you, keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!" Acts 5:38
It's good to know 2000 years later, folks are still zealous about Jesus. I think that lends some accreditation to his Savior status, eh? You can't deny the Spirit; it's a powerful thing.
I have a lot of respect and admiration for the early church. I'm sure it was terrifying, but you know it had to be exhilarating as well. The disciples could have just gone back to their families and friends; they could have gone back to earning a living; they could have just preached the gospel to their community and left it at that, but they chose to go out into the world. They chose to live a life of outlaws, relying on God to provide for them and keep them safe. Imagine how close they felt to God, knowing that He himself was taking care of them.
If these men had not been zealously sure that Jesus was the risen Christ, they would not have fought so hard to spread Christianity. Others would not have believed them if they had not felt the Spirit move within them. In Acts, during the oppression of the early church, a teacher of the Law named Gamaliel describes a variety of instances of men following false messiahs and how those cases all fizzled out once the "messiah" died. He says of the Christians, "So in the present case I tell you, keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!" Acts 5:38
It's good to know 2000 years later, folks are still zealous about Jesus. I think that lends some accreditation to his Savior status, eh? You can't deny the Spirit; it's a powerful thing.
Monday, May 6, 2013
The Cool Thing about Disciples is...
I've been thinking about the disciples today while commuting to and from work.
I can appreciate the disciples because they weren't special. They were simple folks with no great gifts except their enormous faith. I mean, that's doable. I can aspire to that. They left everything they had behind because they knew that Jesus was a big deal. They knew that nothing on earth could compare to what He was offering them.
The disciples still had doubts every now and again; they fell asleep; they were confused sometimes; they never really had everything completely figured out, but they knew nothing mattered except their unrelenting faith that Jesus was the son of God and had come to earth to save us.
I hope to have that unconditional faith throughout my life.
Good night <3
I can appreciate the disciples because they weren't special. They were simple folks with no great gifts except their enormous faith. I mean, that's doable. I can aspire to that. They left everything they had behind because they knew that Jesus was a big deal. They knew that nothing on earth could compare to what He was offering them.
The disciples still had doubts every now and again; they fell asleep; they were confused sometimes; they never really had everything completely figured out, but they knew nothing mattered except their unrelenting faith that Jesus was the son of God and had come to earth to save us.
I hope to have that unconditional faith throughout my life.
Good night <3
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Radical Update
I finished "What is the mission of the church?" by DeYoung and Gilbert. I wish I could find a church that I liked so that I could build a relationship with a congregation. I miss St. Pete and I miss my home church - they both just readily accepted me into their family and made me feel so welcome. They were always gathering together to commune with each other; they take care of each other; they are so overwhelming in their kindness. I miss it. I miss having a routine centered around church. I feel like a stranger in a strange land without a church.
I've started Anne Lamott's "Traveling Mercies" and at the end of the first chapter she writes, "because no matter how bad I am feeling, how lost or lonely or frightened, when I see the faces of the people at my church, and hear their tawny voices, I can always find my way home." I feel the same way. No matter how frustrating or disappointing life gets, I can find peace and joy at my church. It's the way the folks smile at you and hug you and the way you know they love you unconditionally. I'm blessed with not only a great real family, but a great church family as well....I'm just really really far away from them :(
I have finished the New Testament except for Revelations. I'm saving that for Bible study because no way do I want to try to delve into that alone. I used to roll my eyes and scoff when others told me to read the Bible. I mean, I grew up in church, so obviously I'd heard it all already, right? So wrong. Yeesh, I was a dummy. Seriously, everything you ever need to know about being a Christian is in the Bible. You don't need anything else. That's literally written as a manual. Do this. Do this and be incredibly happy and peaceful. "The Word of God is more than able to do the work of God" - Deyoung and Gilbert say at the end of their book I finished. It's so true. If someone with doubts and fears were to sit down and read the first four books of the NT, they wouldn't be able to stop reading. I was that person. I thought, no way, but yes! a thousand times yes! It all adds up. It all makes sense. Nothing could deter me from my relationship with God. Nothing could stop me from proclaiming my love for Christ. And the Word is sufficient.
I'll be starting the Old Testament next week. Back to Genesis! Interestingly enough, I'm also about to start a book called, "The Lost World of Genesis One". Exciting stuff!
Dimes for Uganda are still being collected. My little bottle is rattling pretty nicely. I love when people send me pictures or update me about their bottles. I know that I have an awesome support team and I'm so grateful to the Lord for placing me on this path.
"For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken."
Psalm 62
<3
I've started Anne Lamott's "Traveling Mercies" and at the end of the first chapter she writes, "because no matter how bad I am feeling, how lost or lonely or frightened, when I see the faces of the people at my church, and hear their tawny voices, I can always find my way home." I feel the same way. No matter how frustrating or disappointing life gets, I can find peace and joy at my church. It's the way the folks smile at you and hug you and the way you know they love you unconditionally. I'm blessed with not only a great real family, but a great church family as well....I'm just really really far away from them :(
I have finished the New Testament except for Revelations. I'm saving that for Bible study because no way do I want to try to delve into that alone. I used to roll my eyes and scoff when others told me to read the Bible. I mean, I grew up in church, so obviously I'd heard it all already, right? So wrong. Yeesh, I was a dummy. Seriously, everything you ever need to know about being a Christian is in the Bible. You don't need anything else. That's literally written as a manual. Do this. Do this and be incredibly happy and peaceful. "The Word of God is more than able to do the work of God" - Deyoung and Gilbert say at the end of their book I finished. It's so true. If someone with doubts and fears were to sit down and read the first four books of the NT, they wouldn't be able to stop reading. I was that person. I thought, no way, but yes! a thousand times yes! It all adds up. It all makes sense. Nothing could deter me from my relationship with God. Nothing could stop me from proclaiming my love for Christ. And the Word is sufficient.
I'll be starting the Old Testament next week. Back to Genesis! Interestingly enough, I'm also about to start a book called, "The Lost World of Genesis One". Exciting stuff!
Dimes for Uganda are still being collected. My little bottle is rattling pretty nicely. I love when people send me pictures or update me about their bottles. I know that I have an awesome support team and I'm so grateful to the Lord for placing me on this path.
"For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken."
Psalm 62
<3
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Sunday morning
I love Sunday mornings. I love waking up and getting my coffee brewed and sitting down to enjoy some Bible study without stressing about anything else in the world, like getting clothes ready for work tomorrow or what time I need to go to bed in order to wake up feeling refreshed.
This morning I'm studying 1 Peter. I've read excerpts from 1 Peter that were sent to me when I was first struggling against God back in November. Those excerpts brought me peace then and now I'm just so excited to be able to sit and read the whole book with an open mind, no longer fighting against my own salvation. Crazy girl.
As I read, I underline passages that give me goosebumps - ya know, when you read something and you know it was deliberately written for you? I pretty much need to just highlight this whole book; it's so grand.
Time for church!
<3
Friday, April 12, 2013
Being a Doer
Yikes it's been a while. Sorry folks. Lots going on here with the end of the school year and big life decisions (and a new relationship <3).
I have been reading this book on the mission of the church (yes I'm still not done with it - I'm slow) and I just read a chapter on the churches' mission regarding social justice, examples would be like feeding the poor, sending relief to those in need, and basically 'righting' all the wrongs in the world. I'm still not entirely sure what the authors' perspectives are so I suggest that you read the book yourself, but so far, what I've gleaned is stated by the authors after several scriptural references "Clearly, caring for the poor, the hungry, the afflicted is not just a liberal thing to do. It is a biblical thing to do." We are biblically charged to help those around us, and there are plenty who need to be lifted up. They need a friendly hand and a smile and someone to say, "Here I am."
I read the book of James tonight as well, which flows so very very well with the book I just referenced about social justice. I like the way James writes because it just, in my opinion, encapsulates everything Christ preached while he was on earth. In summary: if you love Christ, you will love everyone, unconditionally (really really really think on what unconditionally entails, y'all; it's intense) and let that show in everything that you do. Be a DOER. It's awesome that we have this powerful God who can send a Spirit of strength and wisdom and perseverance and all we have to do is ask for it! Nothing is impossible. Think about that - we can do anything through Christ - we can feed the hungry and clothe the impoverished; we can bring nations of people who have never heard the Word to true salvation; we can teach others to love by showing them love.
As I'm typing this I'm listening to this song by Pastor Charles Jenkins called "Awesome" and I'm so uplifted. This particular song was playing after I gave my witness a couple of weeks ago in church and it penetrates my soul. I'm not scared of anything anymore, y'all. Nothing. Nothing can harm me anymore. Nothing can control me. I know He has me, and He's awesome.
My God is Awesome
I have been reading this book on the mission of the church (yes I'm still not done with it - I'm slow) and I just read a chapter on the churches' mission regarding social justice, examples would be like feeding the poor, sending relief to those in need, and basically 'righting' all the wrongs in the world. I'm still not entirely sure what the authors' perspectives are so I suggest that you read the book yourself, but so far, what I've gleaned is stated by the authors after several scriptural references "Clearly, caring for the poor, the hungry, the afflicted is not just a liberal thing to do. It is a biblical thing to do." We are biblically charged to help those around us, and there are plenty who need to be lifted up. They need a friendly hand and a smile and someone to say, "Here I am."
I read the book of James tonight as well, which flows so very very well with the book I just referenced about social justice. I like the way James writes because it just, in my opinion, encapsulates everything Christ preached while he was on earth. In summary: if you love Christ, you will love everyone, unconditionally (really really really think on what unconditionally entails, y'all; it's intense) and let that show in everything that you do. Be a DOER. It's awesome that we have this powerful God who can send a Spirit of strength and wisdom and perseverance and all we have to do is ask for it! Nothing is impossible. Think about that - we can do anything through Christ - we can feed the hungry and clothe the impoverished; we can bring nations of people who have never heard the Word to true salvation; we can teach others to love by showing them love.
As I'm typing this I'm listening to this song by Pastor Charles Jenkins called "Awesome" and I'm so uplifted. This particular song was playing after I gave my witness a couple of weeks ago in church and it penetrates my soul. I'm not scared of anything anymore, y'all. Nothing. Nothing can harm me anymore. Nothing can control me. I know He has me, and He's awesome.
My God is Awesome
He can move mountains
Keep me in the valley
Hide me from the rain
My God is Awesome
My God is Awesome
Heals me when I'm broken
Strength where I've been weakened
Forever He will reign...
My God Is Awesome
My God is Awesome
My God is Awesome
Forever He will reign...
My God Is Awesome
My God is Awesome
My God is Awesome
Savior of the whole world
Giver of Salvation
By His stripes I am healed
My God is Awesome
My God is Awesome
Today I am forgiven
His grace is why I'm living
Praise His Holy name
My God Is Awesome
My God Is Awesome
I love you all. Good night <3
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Palm Sunday
What a great Sunday!
This morning was my first Palm Sunday in nine years. The kids were so happy bringing in and waving the palms and saying, "Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!" Such a blessing to see them!
A great sermon this morning as well. The topic was on grace using the scripture about the woman who had committed adultery and Jesus said that whoever is without sin could cast the first stone at her and the scripture about Jesus eating with the tax collectors and his message that it is not the healthy who need a doctor... Fantastic! And so of course by the end of the sermon, I'm in tears. One thing about reading through the New Testament is having the message of salvation drilled into my brain. I'm so grateful for the work of Paul and his letters that state repetitively the promise of forgiveness through grace and the acceptance of Christ as my King. I'm grateful for the cross. I'm grateful that he was good and strong and pure enough to withstand temptation and endure the pain and wrath that came with the crucifixion. I'm overjoyed that because I claim him, he will claim me.
I ordered two books today from Amazon: The Lost World of Genesis One and Traveling Mercies. I should have them by the end of the week so hopefully I'll be done with the one I'm reading now.
I've officially finished all the Pauline letters in the Bible. The next book is James.
I've got more dimes in my dime jar. It's nice to have something I'm working towards. I can't wait to go to Uganda. I'm so excited for the opportunity to share my knowledge and story with the people there. I'm so excited to meet others there who share my passion for the Lord and live in such a vastly different context. In a way, I feel that it will be easier to share the gospel there than it is over here. It's my own anxiety I'm sure.
In Bible study tonight, we discussed the baptism and temptation of Jesus in preparing him for his earthly mission. I love when scripture I've read before takes on new meaning for me. For instance, John the Baptist's sermon to the crowds coming for baptism in the Jordan:
"And the crowds asked him, 'What then shall we do?' And he answered them, "Whoever has two tunics is to share with him who has none, and whoever has food is to do likewise." Luke 3:10
As I'm preparing my heart for life as a Christian in new contexts (first in urban Nashville and then in Uganda), I'm so excited for the opportunity to be a light to others. I want God to use me as a blessing to others. I will happily give what I have if God can use me to change someone else's outlook on Christianity. I will happily share my story with others if it can change someone's outlook on Christians. I want others to look at me and know that I live through Christ's redemptive love and God's unwavering grace. I want it to be written on my heart and on my face and in my voice and in my eyes.
Amen and amen. <3
This morning was my first Palm Sunday in nine years. The kids were so happy bringing in and waving the palms and saying, "Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!" Such a blessing to see them!
A great sermon this morning as well. The topic was on grace using the scripture about the woman who had committed adultery and Jesus said that whoever is without sin could cast the first stone at her and the scripture about Jesus eating with the tax collectors and his message that it is not the healthy who need a doctor... Fantastic! And so of course by the end of the sermon, I'm in tears. One thing about reading through the New Testament is having the message of salvation drilled into my brain. I'm so grateful for the work of Paul and his letters that state repetitively the promise of forgiveness through grace and the acceptance of Christ as my King. I'm grateful for the cross. I'm grateful that he was good and strong and pure enough to withstand temptation and endure the pain and wrath that came with the crucifixion. I'm overjoyed that because I claim him, he will claim me.
I ordered two books today from Amazon: The Lost World of Genesis One and Traveling Mercies. I should have them by the end of the week so hopefully I'll be done with the one I'm reading now.
I've officially finished all the Pauline letters in the Bible. The next book is James.
I've got more dimes in my dime jar. It's nice to have something I'm working towards. I can't wait to go to Uganda. I'm so excited for the opportunity to share my knowledge and story with the people there. I'm so excited to meet others there who share my passion for the Lord and live in such a vastly different context. In a way, I feel that it will be easier to share the gospel there than it is over here. It's my own anxiety I'm sure.
In Bible study tonight, we discussed the baptism and temptation of Jesus in preparing him for his earthly mission. I love when scripture I've read before takes on new meaning for me. For instance, John the Baptist's sermon to the crowds coming for baptism in the Jordan:
"And the crowds asked him, 'What then shall we do?' And he answered them, "Whoever has two tunics is to share with him who has none, and whoever has food is to do likewise." Luke 3:10
As I'm preparing my heart for life as a Christian in new contexts (first in urban Nashville and then in Uganda), I'm so excited for the opportunity to be a light to others. I want God to use me as a blessing to others. I will happily give what I have if God can use me to change someone else's outlook on Christianity. I will happily share my story with others if it can change someone's outlook on Christians. I want others to look at me and know that I live through Christ's redemptive love and God's unwavering grace. I want it to be written on my heart and on my face and in my voice and in my eyes.
Amen and amen. <3
Monday, March 18, 2013
18 out of 66
I finished 1 Timothy tonight. There's a part in this book that really speaks to my heart.
Paul writes, "I am grateful to Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because he judged me faithful and appointed me to his service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent oppressor. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus." 1:12-14
To symbolize this mercy and grace I will be baptized either Easter Sunday or the Sunday after (depending on what everyone's schedule looks like and weather forecast since I want to be dunked). I was baptized as a child - a ritual that seemed fun and important but had no real meaning for me. I just knew it was something my family wanted me to do and it would make them happy. So, I'm considering this my real baptism. I am going into this with full knowledge of accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior and dedicating my life to His service. I want the water, symbolic of the blood, to wash away all the terrible things I did in the past. I need the water to wash it all away. I still have a lot of difficulty letting go and feeling like, "are you sure, God, are you sure you can forgive me?" I need this symbolic rite of Christians from two millennia to give me assurance that I have indeed been born again under the protection of Christ. Whew. This is a big deal. Just thinking about it overwhelms me.
A friend shared this video with me today: http://youtu.be/Ot6ORdhYR34
I love Duck Dynasty by the way; the openness with which they all speak about their faith just makes me love them more. I hope to be fortunate enough to marry a man with a moral code and family values such as Jase Robertson. <3
Paul writes, "I am grateful to Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because he judged me faithful and appointed me to his service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent oppressor. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus." 1:12-14
To symbolize this mercy and grace I will be baptized either Easter Sunday or the Sunday after (depending on what everyone's schedule looks like and weather forecast since I want to be dunked). I was baptized as a child - a ritual that seemed fun and important but had no real meaning for me. I just knew it was something my family wanted me to do and it would make them happy. So, I'm considering this my real baptism. I am going into this with full knowledge of accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior and dedicating my life to His service. I want the water, symbolic of the blood, to wash away all the terrible things I did in the past. I need the water to wash it all away. I still have a lot of difficulty letting go and feeling like, "are you sure, God, are you sure you can forgive me?" I need this symbolic rite of Christians from two millennia to give me assurance that I have indeed been born again under the protection of Christ. Whew. This is a big deal. Just thinking about it overwhelms me.
A friend shared this video with me today: http://youtu.be/Ot6ORdhYR34
I love Duck Dynasty by the way; the openness with which they all speak about their faith just makes me love them more. I hope to be fortunate enough to marry a man with a moral code and family values such as Jase Robertson. <3
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Affirmations
So far I have completed 17 out of 66 books of the Bible. Whew. I have a long long way to go. My bible study group finished Hosea tonight - lots of dark imagery in that one, but sticks to the underlying theme of repent and enjoy the steadfast love and glory of the One Almighty Creator.
Let me just show you how awesome my "multiplying community" is:
Let me just show you how awesome my "multiplying community" is:
Since I can't be there in person, I get skyped in. It's fabulous :)
At church today, my pastor here in Madison presented some pictures and stories from his recent trip to Africa. He went to Burkina Faso to experience firsthand the kind of poverty those villages endure. The churches in Indiana got together and purchased some wells for the villages, so that's the main reason he went, but he was also exposed to the other needs within that community (and so there's lots to be done!)
Anyway, he told this incredible story that I still just can't wrap my mind around, so I'll retell it here and maybe when I go to Uganda I will have a similar experience. So, he starts off this story talking about how snakes are commonly found in Burkina Faso; therefore, the natives are not at all startled by these creepy crawlies coming in and out of their village and actually use the snakes as another meat source. Gross. However, one evening as some of the village pastors were hosting an evangelic event where they went out into the surrounding villages (who are predominantly either Muslim or adhering to a tribal religion) to preach and sing and encourage others to convert to Christianity, he noticed that the villagers were cowering away from a snake that had slithered into the gathering. The pastor doesn't miss a step as he preaches, he takes a machete and cuts the snake's head off and continues his sermon. After the sermon, one of the missionaries (who had been raised in Burkina Faso) explains that the snake was a "demon snake" sent out from the witch doctors who had been lurking in the trees beyond the village and cursing the Christians the entire evening. The missionary proceeds to hold up the snake and cuts it open, slicing down the body, to reveal that there were NO ORGANS, ENTRAILS, or BLOOD. The snake was completely empty. Apparently the witch doctors there can conjure snakes from sticks - much like Pharaoh's magicians did in the Bible. Crazy, right? I wouldn't believe it except that he witnessed it firsthand. My mind is blown.
The pictures and stories from his trip to Africa just fired me up even more about my eminent trip. There is so much to be done in that country as far as evangelizing and bringing them hope for a life where maybe their kids can grow up and be healthy and full and saved by the blood of Christ. I know that the experience will benefit me probably more than my presence will benefit them. I mean, really, I can't wait to be placed in a context where I need God just for basic survival. I feel like it will really bring me closer to Him and more aware of Him in my life. Not to mention the fact that living off the grid is right up my alley and rural Africa is about as off the grid as it gets. I want a farm anyway, why not in Africa? I want a simple life free from rampant materialism, why not in Africa? Oh dear. I'm not even there yet and I'm trying to think of ways to stay or to go back sooner. I'm not sure if Uganda is going to be my final destination. It may be Burkina Faso. It may be all the way up into Haiti. And then again, it may be rural Tennessee. I just know I'm going to go where I can serve Him best. I'm going to go where I can feel Him best. The church services in Burkina Faso lasted four hours long. Very cool. Very tempting.
I started my dime bottle today. It's pretty empty still, but I've got a year and three months to fill it up (and hopefully start another one). The dinosaur next to the bottle is where the quarters, nickels, and pennies go. I've got to make saving more exciting.
Next Sunday is Palm Sunday. I haven't experienced Palm Sunday since I was in high school. I'm more excited about this than I was about prom. I wish everyone I knew was in the same position I am in. I feel like such a dork getting all excited about these new experiences with Jesus that aren't new to other people. If EVERYONE were as excited about Jesus as I am then I could just talk about it all the time like I want to. I'm not saying other people AREN'T excited about Jesus -- I'm just ecstatically excited and probably a little on the intense side. Yet another benefit to evangelizing in Africa -- new converts as excited about salvation as me!
Next Sunday is the last Sunday on the way to the cross. I can empathize with the disciples as they begged Jesus not to go. I can hardly bear the thought of him on that cross.
Go listen to a song called "New Again" by Sara Evans and Brad Paisley. It will make you weep.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Level Up
I kind of feel like I'm in school again - excitedly underlining passages that hit home and scribbling comments and smilies and asterisks in the margins. It's such a welcome feeling since most of this journey has been filled with anxiety, depression, and panic.
I'm still at peace today. I can hardly believe it. No tears as I prepare to leave a life that has become so very familiar and comfortable for me. No more anxiety. Just calm assurance (blessed assurance). I think most of my anxiety lately has come from just wanting to hold so tightly to a life that no longer brings me happiness. I am glad to be cutting loose of that and turning toward my exciting path to Mukono! I can't wait to meet those kiddos. I love them already.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Unusually Peaceful
The last chapter of Forgotten God has left me with newfound resilience. Chan writes about imagining giving everything over to God without worrying about implications of the world - ridicule, materialism, following societal standards. I don't want that! I don't want to miss out on the amazing opportunities that God will present me with! I trust Him. Wholeheartedly. I know He's got amazing things cooking for me. I want the opportunity to glorify his name. I know that some people will see me or read this blog and think, what a nutcase... I don't care. They can't feel how incredibly full my heart is right now. It's God. It's not some biological reaction to an emotional stimulus through the medium of fear. It's God. It's crazy but it's God.
There's a prayer at the end of the book, asking for the Spirit. One part says, "Speak loudly and drown out the other voices calling us to conform to the patterns of this world" and I feel like that's exactly what just happened. All of a sudden, I am just completely at peace. I acknowledge that I may not get my fairy tale ending. Or hey, I might, but it'll be later. I've got things to do. Uganda is going to be such a blessing to me. I feel it. I can't get distracted by things that look good right now -- Uganda is going to be so much better.
I'm so inarticulably thankful for a supportive family and community of believers. They've chosen to love me regardless of my past and my weirdness and I love them so very much back.
<3 In His overwhelming love and grace! Goodnight.
There's a prayer at the end of the book, asking for the Spirit. One part says, "Speak loudly and drown out the other voices calling us to conform to the patterns of this world" and I feel like that's exactly what just happened. All of a sudden, I am just completely at peace. I acknowledge that I may not get my fairy tale ending. Or hey, I might, but it'll be later. I've got things to do. Uganda is going to be such a blessing to me. I feel it. I can't get distracted by things that look good right now -- Uganda is going to be so much better.
I'm so inarticulably thankful for a supportive family and community of believers. They've chosen to love me regardless of my past and my weirdness and I love them so very much back.
<3 In His overwhelming love and grace! Goodnight.
Blurp
Heard a story today about a woman who moved to a high-poverty country in Africa as a reading specialist - goes around to schools and teaches teachers how to teach reading - who is married to a safari guide. Um, yes. Can that be my life plan? I'll teach Bible study and mentor the girls there.
<3 Thanks
<3 Thanks
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Just Say Yes!
I read a fascinating chapter in Forgotten God tonight. It was all about the will of God via guidance by the Holy Spirit and the way we're intended to respond to that guidance.
Lots of good quotes:
"And to expose our hearts to truth and consistently refuse or neglect to obey the impulses it arouses is to stymie the motions of life within us and, if persisted in, to grieve the Holy Spirit into silence."
- A. W. Tozer
To grieve the Holy Spirit? What a crazy thought! How could I, being lowly and weak and totally unworthy, grieve the Holy Spirit by refusing His leadership? I haven't yet realized how to discern what might be the Spirit and what just might be my own desires for my life. For instance, I know it's the influence of the Spirit that is driving me to go to Uganda because it's so inexplicable to me. I've never wanted to go work in Africa before this - it was never in my "life plan", so I'm giving that up to Him. But right now I'm dealing with a big life decision - do I stay where I am or do I change paths? The moment I feel like I've made a decision, something happens to change my mind and drive me the opposite way; the next week the opposite happens. Maybe both paths take me to the same place eventually so it doesn't really matter which way I go. Hmm. I hadn't thought about that actually.
Furthermore:
Chan goes on to talk about not focusing on what God has willed for our long term life plan, but also learning how to abide by the Spirit each day, each minute. He says, "Jesus Christ did not die in order to follow us. He died and rose again so that we could forget everything else and follow Him to the cross, to true life" Let me tell you, it's hard for me to give up my life plan. I have a darn good plan and it makes me really happy to think that one day I'll own a big piece of land with chickens, cows, solar panels, windmills, a big self-sustaining garden and greenhouse, a husband that can hit a tin can with a rifle from (insert appropriately long distance here) yards away, and a couple of awesome kiddos that love and revere the Lord. That sounds like an awesome plan to me. I'm not apt to give up on it - so when things look as if they are going to take me away from that life plan, I get a little frustrated, honestly. Anyway, I have a hard time listening to the Spirit right away. I typically like to weigh my options a bit - but NOW I don't want to grieve Him into silence! I need to work on my instantaneous response and graciousness.
Finally, the last thing I underlined:
Chan writes, "Like yeast and flour are both necessary to bread, both God's action and our response-action are necessary in this relationship with God." And so, yes, Christ promised the Spirit to us before he was crucified, that he would be sending the Helper to guide us, but our relationship with God cannot develop unless we also respond to that Spirit. Amazing. I suck at communicating, by the way, and that translates over into my relationship with God as well. I get frustrated and worrisome and feel abandoned and just totally ignore Him which makes me even more miserable until I get some serious alone time with Him and just ask, once again, for His peace. It's really scary to think about what He might ask me to do. Like I said, I really really don't want to let go of my life plan, but I believe in His promise to take care of me, so I know that wherever He leads me, if I follow, it'll be best. I just hope He's leading me to this farm......
Good night <3
Lots of good quotes:
"And to expose our hearts to truth and consistently refuse or neglect to obey the impulses it arouses is to stymie the motions of life within us and, if persisted in, to grieve the Holy Spirit into silence."
- A. W. Tozer
To grieve the Holy Spirit? What a crazy thought! How could I, being lowly and weak and totally unworthy, grieve the Holy Spirit by refusing His leadership? I haven't yet realized how to discern what might be the Spirit and what just might be my own desires for my life. For instance, I know it's the influence of the Spirit that is driving me to go to Uganda because it's so inexplicable to me. I've never wanted to go work in Africa before this - it was never in my "life plan", so I'm giving that up to Him. But right now I'm dealing with a big life decision - do I stay where I am or do I change paths? The moment I feel like I've made a decision, something happens to change my mind and drive me the opposite way; the next week the opposite happens. Maybe both paths take me to the same place eventually so it doesn't really matter which way I go. Hmm. I hadn't thought about that actually.
Furthermore:
Chan goes on to talk about not focusing on what God has willed for our long term life plan, but also learning how to abide by the Spirit each day, each minute. He says, "Jesus Christ did not die in order to follow us. He died and rose again so that we could forget everything else and follow Him to the cross, to true life" Let me tell you, it's hard for me to give up my life plan. I have a darn good plan and it makes me really happy to think that one day I'll own a big piece of land with chickens, cows, solar panels, windmills, a big self-sustaining garden and greenhouse, a husband that can hit a tin can with a rifle from (insert appropriately long distance here) yards away, and a couple of awesome kiddos that love and revere the Lord. That sounds like an awesome plan to me. I'm not apt to give up on it - so when things look as if they are going to take me away from that life plan, I get a little frustrated, honestly. Anyway, I have a hard time listening to the Spirit right away. I typically like to weigh my options a bit - but NOW I don't want to grieve Him into silence! I need to work on my instantaneous response and graciousness.
Finally, the last thing I underlined:
Chan writes, "Like yeast and flour are both necessary to bread, both God's action and our response-action are necessary in this relationship with God." And so, yes, Christ promised the Spirit to us before he was crucified, that he would be sending the Helper to guide us, but our relationship with God cannot develop unless we also respond to that Spirit. Amazing. I suck at communicating, by the way, and that translates over into my relationship with God as well. I get frustrated and worrisome and feel abandoned and just totally ignore Him which makes me even more miserable until I get some serious alone time with Him and just ask, once again, for His peace. It's really scary to think about what He might ask me to do. Like I said, I really really don't want to let go of my life plan, but I believe in His promise to take care of me, so I know that wherever He leads me, if I follow, it'll be best. I just hope He's leading me to this farm......
Good night <3
Monday, March 11, 2013
Being Tested
"No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
I love this scripture.
The past two days have been a test of endurance and patience for me, for sure. Traveling within itself makes me anxious. Throw in some mechanical problems, an emergency landing, a tiny airport crowded with a variety of people in a variety of temperaments (insert social anxiety here), a long night before finally getting to a hotel room and passing out from exhaustion, missing a day of work, driving home from the airport in torrential rain for an hour...I feel beat up.
It is such a relief to be home and reorient myself into a routine. A chapter in Forgotten God, a moment of reflection, a few chapters or a book of the Bible, prayer. I still didn't get to play my guitar, but one step at a time I suppose. I'm so far behind in everything. I just want to instill in myself these good habits - maybe, God willing that I procreate, to be later instilled in my children. These habits are important to me, not because I feel like I am required to do them, but because I know I need them. They remind me that I belong to Him. I'm still adjusting myself to the life of a Christian. I still haven't figured out how to live it to maximum efficacy. I want my sense of God to be as intuitive as breathing. A lot of times I have to stop myself and remember Him. "oh yeah, I don't have to do all this by myself." "oh yeah, He is watching over me right now to keep me safe." "oh yeah, I should give Him a thank you for an awesome day" I want to train my responses to always be to Him first.
I can't wait to go to Uganda. It's the driving force that's keeping my feet on the ground. I need this experience. I just need to live with God in a different context. Maybe that's my answer. Instead of trying to figure out how to be a Christian in America, I should just get out of here. If that's my path, I trust that God will light the way for me -- he'll part the Red Sea and I'll make it across and far away from the Egyptian army.
Good night <3
I love this scripture.
The past two days have been a test of endurance and patience for me, for sure. Traveling within itself makes me anxious. Throw in some mechanical problems, an emergency landing, a tiny airport crowded with a variety of people in a variety of temperaments (insert social anxiety here), a long night before finally getting to a hotel room and passing out from exhaustion, missing a day of work, driving home from the airport in torrential rain for an hour...I feel beat up.
It is such a relief to be home and reorient myself into a routine. A chapter in Forgotten God, a moment of reflection, a few chapters or a book of the Bible, prayer. I still didn't get to play my guitar, but one step at a time I suppose. I'm so far behind in everything. I just want to instill in myself these good habits - maybe, God willing that I procreate, to be later instilled in my children. These habits are important to me, not because I feel like I am required to do them, but because I know I need them. They remind me that I belong to Him. I'm still adjusting myself to the life of a Christian. I still haven't figured out how to live it to maximum efficacy. I want my sense of God to be as intuitive as breathing. A lot of times I have to stop myself and remember Him. "oh yeah, I don't have to do all this by myself." "oh yeah, He is watching over me right now to keep me safe." "oh yeah, I should give Him a thank you for an awesome day" I want to train my responses to always be to Him first.
I can't wait to go to Uganda. It's the driving force that's keeping my feet on the ground. I need this experience. I just need to live with God in a different context. Maybe that's my answer. Instead of trying to figure out how to be a Christian in America, I should just get out of here. If that's my path, I trust that God will light the way for me -- he'll part the Red Sea and I'll make it across and far away from the Egyptian army.
Good night <3
Sunday, March 10, 2013
At an airport in Midland Texas - a vignette on love
This is sort of turning into a travel blog lately, ha.
While flying from LAX to Houston, the plane had some engine trouble and we had to make an emergency landing in Midland, TX - where there are no actual planes, just some private prop planes and such. I'm stuck here for a bit, so I'm going to use my time wisely and catch up on this writing and some reading.
Anyway..
On the plane, I was thinking about the concept of love and it's contextual meaning in the biblical/Christian sense contrasted with the secular context and why it does or does not work. Why is it so difficult to love someone? (Not just romantic love, although I do think romantic love in the world has become somewhat farcical and not at all what it was intended to be) What is it that makes love so scary - scary to the point where most of us avoid the word/the commitment/ the belief in it altogether? The Bible makes love sound so easy, so desirable, so simple. Within the Bible, we also find that love is necessary. How, as a people, have we lost our faith in love? And if we lose our faith in love, what is the impact on our Christianity?
There are so many great models of love in the Bible - the most ideal being Christ's love for his Church (church meaning all who follow him and claim him as their Lord and Savior). When we examine the language in the gospels that Christ uses for his disciples, such as that amazing prayer in John 17, it just seems like that type of self-sacrificing, pure, unconditional love is impossible to recreate. Even when you lower the standards to take into context our weak, distractible human minds, I feel like as the Church we are missing the mark.
I'm the worst. Let me just go ahead and make that statement. I'm not preaching to a congregation here, this is more of a self-exploration blog and I am calling myself out. I suck at loving others. I thought I was better at it. I've had an easy road lately, though. I accepted Christ into my life in November/December. I was at my family's home for half of January - easy to love those people because they are awesome. Then I moved to rural Kentuckiana - easy to love those people because they are kind and accepting and most of the time I'm just surrounded by bright-eyed, sunshiney kiddos. This work trip was hard. I failed. Badly. At several points I was tempted just to hole up in my hotel room so I didn't even have to try anymore. Why is it so difficult? Seriously. I'll be happy to hear your comments. I just could not remove these blips of jealousy, hatred, judgment, anger -- it was a hot mess. And it makes a mess of me. Once those thoughts hit me, I just could not get out of this funk. It wasn't anything or anyone specifically (for those of you who may be reading this who were with me for this trip), it was just an overwhelming acknowledgement that I do not know how to be a Christian in the real world.
Even sitting in this airport right now, which is crazy small and crowded - all that I hear is angst, cattiness, vulgarity. I'm watching several married couples to see how they interact with each other, and I'm just beat down. I'm not judging anyone, honestly, I'm just observing behavior here. No eye contact, argumentativeness, men blatantly staring at other women. That's not what I want. God gave us a gift in giving us the ability to feel/perceive/receive/desire love. Again, I just can't figure out where the disconnect is. Why can't we overcome our own fears? Why do we put up these walls? Why do we hurt each other and block each other out of our lives? Why is it so difficult to say 'I love you' and why is it so difficult to accept that statement from someone else? Again, I'm not just talking romantically. My sister and I have a hard time saying and hearing 'I love you' from each other. I don't know why. I know there are similar stories out there in all contexts of love.
If we could love each other and love God using the standard and copious examples set in the scripture (seriously they are EVERYWHERE in the Bible), imagine how joyful we would all be.
Imagine if we could really be patient.
Imagine if we could really be kind.
Imagine if we could avoid jealousy. - that's the one that kicks my rear all the time
Imagine if we didn't boast to one another.
Imagine if we could avoid arrogance.
Imagine if we could avoid rudeness.
Imagine if we weren't stubborn. - this one too
Imagine if we weren't irritable.
Imagine if we weren't resentful. - and that one
Imagine if we REJOICED with truthfulness.
Imagine if we bore it all for others, believed in all things, hoped in all things, and with love - we ENDURED all things. (Endurance - there's something our society lacks when it comes to love)
Imagine your life following that rubric. When I imagine my life, trying to love the way God intended for me to love, I am filled with warmth. I wish it were easy. It's so very difficult.
What are the implications on our Christianity when we can't overcome the world and love one another? Where does that lead us? I'm scared. This week really scared me. I thought I had made significant changes in my life, but when I was thrown back into the real world, I drowned.
I'm thankful for grace. Without it, this girl would be a lost cause.
Opinions? Encouraging words? Examples? I'm all ears.
While flying from LAX to Houston, the plane had some engine trouble and we had to make an emergency landing in Midland, TX - where there are no actual planes, just some private prop planes and such. I'm stuck here for a bit, so I'm going to use my time wisely and catch up on this writing and some reading.
Anyway..
On the plane, I was thinking about the concept of love and it's contextual meaning in the biblical/Christian sense contrasted with the secular context and why it does or does not work. Why is it so difficult to love someone? (Not just romantic love, although I do think romantic love in the world has become somewhat farcical and not at all what it was intended to be) What is it that makes love so scary - scary to the point where most of us avoid the word/the commitment/ the belief in it altogether? The Bible makes love sound so easy, so desirable, so simple. Within the Bible, we also find that love is necessary. How, as a people, have we lost our faith in love? And if we lose our faith in love, what is the impact on our Christianity?
There are so many great models of love in the Bible - the most ideal being Christ's love for his Church (church meaning all who follow him and claim him as their Lord and Savior). When we examine the language in the gospels that Christ uses for his disciples, such as that amazing prayer in John 17, it just seems like that type of self-sacrificing, pure, unconditional love is impossible to recreate. Even when you lower the standards to take into context our weak, distractible human minds, I feel like as the Church we are missing the mark.
I'm the worst. Let me just go ahead and make that statement. I'm not preaching to a congregation here, this is more of a self-exploration blog and I am calling myself out. I suck at loving others. I thought I was better at it. I've had an easy road lately, though. I accepted Christ into my life in November/December. I was at my family's home for half of January - easy to love those people because they are awesome. Then I moved to rural Kentuckiana - easy to love those people because they are kind and accepting and most of the time I'm just surrounded by bright-eyed, sunshiney kiddos. This work trip was hard. I failed. Badly. At several points I was tempted just to hole up in my hotel room so I didn't even have to try anymore. Why is it so difficult? Seriously. I'll be happy to hear your comments. I just could not remove these blips of jealousy, hatred, judgment, anger -- it was a hot mess. And it makes a mess of me. Once those thoughts hit me, I just could not get out of this funk. It wasn't anything or anyone specifically (for those of you who may be reading this who were with me for this trip), it was just an overwhelming acknowledgement that I do not know how to be a Christian in the real world.
Even sitting in this airport right now, which is crazy small and crowded - all that I hear is angst, cattiness, vulgarity. I'm watching several married couples to see how they interact with each other, and I'm just beat down. I'm not judging anyone, honestly, I'm just observing behavior here. No eye contact, argumentativeness, men blatantly staring at other women. That's not what I want. God gave us a gift in giving us the ability to feel/perceive/receive/desire love. Again, I just can't figure out where the disconnect is. Why can't we overcome our own fears? Why do we put up these walls? Why do we hurt each other and block each other out of our lives? Why is it so difficult to say 'I love you' and why is it so difficult to accept that statement from someone else? Again, I'm not just talking romantically. My sister and I have a hard time saying and hearing 'I love you' from each other. I don't know why. I know there are similar stories out there in all contexts of love.
If we could love each other and love God using the standard and copious examples set in the scripture (seriously they are EVERYWHERE in the Bible), imagine how joyful we would all be.
Imagine if we could really be patient.
Imagine if we could really be kind.
Imagine if we could avoid jealousy. - that's the one that kicks my rear all the time
Imagine if we didn't boast to one another.
Imagine if we could avoid arrogance.
Imagine if we could avoid rudeness.
Imagine if we weren't stubborn. - this one too
Imagine if we weren't irritable.
Imagine if we weren't resentful. - and that one
Imagine if we REJOICED with truthfulness.
Imagine if we bore it all for others, believed in all things, hoped in all things, and with love - we ENDURED all things. (Endurance - there's something our society lacks when it comes to love)
Imagine your life following that rubric. When I imagine my life, trying to love the way God intended for me to love, I am filled with warmth. I wish it were easy. It's so very difficult.
What are the implications on our Christianity when we can't overcome the world and love one another? Where does that lead us? I'm scared. This week really scared me. I thought I had made significant changes in my life, but when I was thrown back into the real world, I drowned.
I'm thankful for grace. Without it, this girl would be a lost cause.
Opinions? Encouraging words? Examples? I'm all ears.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Epistles
So, finished Ephesians this morning. Told you all I would. Loved it, of course. It's so to the point. I like it when information is presented in a concise, factual sort of way. The book is easily translated into the modern church.
Just saying, I read a book of the Bible while on vacation in Disneyland so maybe I need a gold star. Yep.
Good night <3
Just saying, I read a book of the Bible while on vacation in Disneyland so maybe I need a gold star. Yep.
Good night <3
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
In a hotel in California
Listen to this prayer from Ephesians (one day I'll finish the book I swear):
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God"
I just really can't get enough of this. I pray that I can learn to love better.
I'm partially glad that I left the church for a little while. I can see what my life was like before and what it's like now. I don't ever want to live without the love of Christ again. I couldn't.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God"
I just really can't get enough of this. I pray that I can learn to love better.
I'm partially glad that I left the church for a little while. I can see what my life was like before and what it's like now. I don't ever want to live without the love of Christ again. I couldn't.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
In a hotel in Louisville
I'm so far behind on reading and praying. Yikes. I'll catch up once everything slows down a bit. I haven't totally neglected my spiritual life, I mean, every time I go home it's like how much Bible time and church time can I cram into three days? It just takes me out of my routine.
It's amazing how peaceful I feel in my heart now that I got confirmation on Uganda. This opportunity is going to strengthen my faith and pull me so much closer to God. I know it's one baby step towards what I can accomplish with His guidance. I'm not sure what the next step is, but I know I'm on the right track.
The chapter I read in Forgotten God tonight was about being afraid of asking for the Spirit. It's terrifying to think of what God might ask of you if you really commit your life to Him and let Him make the decisions. I have a panic attack every time I lose control of something in the real world. I don't trust people very easily, if at all. I still have a hard time letting go of things, but I acknowledge that when I do let them go and let Him lead me, I feel so much relief. I've never been so happy and at ease with the world. I seriously know that nothing can snatch me away from Him. I'm so thankful that He called me back to the flock.
While at home, I got a mini lesson about the Hebrew names for God and the reverence with which those names were written, spoken, and not spoken. I want to try to be more reverent of the name of God and treat Him with the reverence He deserves. Not only Him, but His Word as well. I also want to study some ancient Hebrew grammar. Linguistics fascinates me.
So a quick Radical update:
Prayer for the world: Seriously behind, but still keeping track and will catch up soon.
Reading the Bible in entirety: Working on Ephesians solo and Hosea in Bible Study
Sacrificing Money: My latest 'sacrifice' proved to be quite a blessing to see how awesome God works with all of us to provide for all.
Foreign Context: Confirmation on Uganda, so I'm making the steps to follow through.
Multiplying Community: Haven't figured this out yet. There's really no opportunities where I am living now, so I will be researching churches in Nashville. However, when I go home, I am definitely part of a multiplying community, and they proved that when I asked for their prayer and monetary support this weekend. Love them.
"I will extol you, my God and King
and bless your name forever and ever.
Every day I will bless you
and praise your name forever and ever.
Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,
and his greatness is unsearchable." Psalms 145: 1-3
It's amazing how peaceful I feel in my heart now that I got confirmation on Uganda. This opportunity is going to strengthen my faith and pull me so much closer to God. I know it's one baby step towards what I can accomplish with His guidance. I'm not sure what the next step is, but I know I'm on the right track.
The chapter I read in Forgotten God tonight was about being afraid of asking for the Spirit. It's terrifying to think of what God might ask of you if you really commit your life to Him and let Him make the decisions. I have a panic attack every time I lose control of something in the real world. I don't trust people very easily, if at all. I still have a hard time letting go of things, but I acknowledge that when I do let them go and let Him lead me, I feel so much relief. I've never been so happy and at ease with the world. I seriously know that nothing can snatch me away from Him. I'm so thankful that He called me back to the flock.
While at home, I got a mini lesson about the Hebrew names for God and the reverence with which those names were written, spoken, and not spoken. I want to try to be more reverent of the name of God and treat Him with the reverence He deserves. Not only Him, but His Word as well. I also want to study some ancient Hebrew grammar. Linguistics fascinates me.
So a quick Radical update:
Prayer for the world: Seriously behind, but still keeping track and will catch up soon.
Reading the Bible in entirety: Working on Ephesians solo and Hosea in Bible Study
Sacrificing Money: My latest 'sacrifice' proved to be quite a blessing to see how awesome God works with all of us to provide for all.
Foreign Context: Confirmation on Uganda, so I'm making the steps to follow through.
Multiplying Community: Haven't figured this out yet. There's really no opportunities where I am living now, so I will be researching churches in Nashville. However, when I go home, I am definitely part of a multiplying community, and they proved that when I asked for their prayer and monetary support this weekend. Love them.
"I will extol you, my God and King
and bless your name forever and ever.
Every day I will bless you
and praise your name forever and ever.
Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,
and his greatness is unsearchable." Psalms 145: 1-3
Sunday, March 3, 2013
The Countdown Begins
I spoke at the three churches today to let them know my intentions of going to Uganda. In order for them to understand the significance of my call, I started at the beginning of course. I informed people who believed that I was a good Christian girl all of my life that I was an atheist for eight years. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to choke out. At the first church I almost didn't choke it out, actually. I broke down into tears not even two minutes into my story and was certain that I could not go on. I wasn't ready to tell everyone my story, even though I knew it had a happy ending. Hallelujah for prayer. Hallelujah for a church full of people who love God and support each other. When I broke down, they immediately lifted me up. I made it through my story and was filled with the knowledge that I will be supported every step of the journey, not only by God, but by other faithful Christians who love unconditionally.
Again, there's no reason for me to have all of this support. Some of the folks who came up and hugged me and prayed with me hardly know me at all. I haven't lived here in nine years; I'm not around for church events; I don't really contribute to anything for them, and yet, they are backing me 100%. I felt the Spirit. I felt the Spirit with me all the way. It's such a curious and overwhelming feeling. I can't help but cry sometimes. I look like an idiot to everyone else I'm sure, but I can't control it. I'm just not used to comfort, peace, and love.
As I was leaving the first church, a visiting pastor pulled me aside, gave me a hug, assured me that this was just the beginning and said, "welcome to the ministry." I can't get the statement out of my head. It's terrifying, and I'm not entirely sure what it means exactly or how deeply it goes. Right now, I'm just starting with two months in Uganda. That's all I can think about right now.
Logistically, I have a TON of things to do to get ready for this trip. Lots and lots of praying for starters. Then there's fundraising and managing all of my bills while I'm gone. Plane tickets. I need a definitive packing list. I've got my passport, so there's one step checked off. Prayer first. Prayer always.
Good night <3
Again, there's no reason for me to have all of this support. Some of the folks who came up and hugged me and prayed with me hardly know me at all. I haven't lived here in nine years; I'm not around for church events; I don't really contribute to anything for them, and yet, they are backing me 100%. I felt the Spirit. I felt the Spirit with me all the way. It's such a curious and overwhelming feeling. I can't help but cry sometimes. I look like an idiot to everyone else I'm sure, but I can't control it. I'm just not used to comfort, peace, and love.
As I was leaving the first church, a visiting pastor pulled me aside, gave me a hug, assured me that this was just the beginning and said, "welcome to the ministry." I can't get the statement out of my head. It's terrifying, and I'm not entirely sure what it means exactly or how deeply it goes. Right now, I'm just starting with two months in Uganda. That's all I can think about right now.
Logistically, I have a TON of things to do to get ready for this trip. Lots and lots of praying for starters. Then there's fundraising and managing all of my bills while I'm gone. Plane tickets. I need a definitive packing list. I've got my passport, so there's one step checked off. Prayer first. Prayer always.
Good night <3
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Call Confirmed
I received confirmation today from the director at the orphanage in Uganda that I am welcome to come and serve there in June and July 2014!! It's like yet again, God comes through and lets me know I'm on the right track. I was thinking on my drive home last night how great it would be to have received confirmation on my trip so that I could speak to the churches about it while I'm at home visiting, and hallelujah it came! This is going to be my first taste of mission work and I've already heard that if I go, I may never come back (as in I won't want to leave not that I'm going to get killed in the field ha). I would be okay with that. A life where my only real job is to spread the word and light and love of Christ with others through service and compassion? Yes please.
I will be giving my conversion testimony in three churches tomorrow to let them all know my intention in going to Uganda. I (and my dear darling pastor) believe that in order to have full understanding of the call, I need to explain where I was six months ago versus where I am now. I don't mind giving my testimony to people who don't know me very well, but when I stand up and tell my family that I "left the church" for eight years, I think my older aunties might just have a stroke right there in their pew. Yikes. I was pretty good at pretending to be Christian for, ya know, my whole life.
In other, sadder news, a member of our community passed away yesterday. He was a pastor for many years and preached at our church revival several times that I can remember from my childhood. People all over this city talk about how good of a preacher he was. When he started preaching, the room would catch on fire. People would cry and holler "Amen!" and you know that they were feeling the Spirit. I am sad that I will never hear him preach now that I know Christ. My heart breaks for his family, his mother and father, his wife, his children -- my heart just absolutely hurts for them because he was such a ray of sunshine in everyone's life. BUT I know that he is standing in awe and amazement at the wonder of God and Jesus right now in Heaven and I am comforted knowing that he is experiencing a happiness that is unknown on the earth. He was a man who truly loved the Lord and it shown in every thing that he did. He will be greatly missed.
Tomorrow is my favorite day of the week! I'm so happy to be home to worship with my home church and attend Bible study with my YAMs via real life instead of skype!
I will be giving my conversion testimony in three churches tomorrow to let them all know my intention in going to Uganda. I (and my dear darling pastor) believe that in order to have full understanding of the call, I need to explain where I was six months ago versus where I am now. I don't mind giving my testimony to people who don't know me very well, but when I stand up and tell my family that I "left the church" for eight years, I think my older aunties might just have a stroke right there in their pew. Yikes. I was pretty good at pretending to be Christian for, ya know, my whole life.
In other, sadder news, a member of our community passed away yesterday. He was a pastor for many years and preached at our church revival several times that I can remember from my childhood. People all over this city talk about how good of a preacher he was. When he started preaching, the room would catch on fire. People would cry and holler "Amen!" and you know that they were feeling the Spirit. I am sad that I will never hear him preach now that I know Christ. My heart breaks for his family, his mother and father, his wife, his children -- my heart just absolutely hurts for them because he was such a ray of sunshine in everyone's life. BUT I know that he is standing in awe and amazement at the wonder of God and Jesus right now in Heaven and I am comforted knowing that he is experiencing a happiness that is unknown on the earth. He was a man who truly loved the Lord and it shown in every thing that he did. He will be greatly missed.
Tomorrow is my favorite day of the week! I'm so happy to be home to worship with my home church and attend Bible study with my YAMs via real life instead of skype!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
My heart might explode from sheer glee!
"The sun comes up
It's a new day dawning
It's time to sing your song again.
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes."
Even if I started singing and praising the Lord right now, I don't think I could ever come close to giving Him as much thanks as He deserves for what He has done in my life. Everything just always really works out. I wish I could say that I never have any doubts but I do. Sometimes things get really dark in my heart and I have to just cry and pray that He takes away the dark and replaces it with light. And then, wow, He just really comes through with something big.
I've been given an awesome opportunity for no real reason. I mean, there's seriously no reason for me to be given something so amazing, but that He has something in mind. Don't know what it is, but I'm ready.
My life has been a series of coincidences lately. I was supposed to be in Baton Rouge last summer but ended up getting the shift last minute and being almost unemployed all summer which was a dark dark place in my life, but because I was unemployed I was offered a position in New Brunswick, Canada for this school year. Obviously, that fell through at the last minute, but because it was so last minute my only option was to go to St. Pete for half a year which is where I experienced the amazing/terrifying/overwhelming power of the Spirit and Christ came into my life. Because the project was only half a year, I was able to come to Kentucky for the rest of the year where I have had the opportunity to really experience the Spirit and study the Word. I just seriously know 100% that everything that has happened is because of God's plan for me. He's working on something big for me and I can't wait to know what that is. I think back to when I found out I wasn't going to Baton Rouge this past summer and how distraught I was, how unfair I thought it was, but now I see the benefit. I see how everything worked out. It's like when Joseph got sold into slavery by his brothers and I'm sure everything looked so dark and grim, but then he ended up being second in command to Pharaoh and living a good long life and enabling his family and many many people to survive years of famine. God's always working through all sorts of venues.
Ahhhh, I love when God just really makes His presence known.
I know everyone else in the world must think I'm a crazy person, but I just love knowing that some coincidences are divine.
It's a new day dawning
It's time to sing your song again.
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes."
Even if I started singing and praising the Lord right now, I don't think I could ever come close to giving Him as much thanks as He deserves for what He has done in my life. Everything just always really works out. I wish I could say that I never have any doubts but I do. Sometimes things get really dark in my heart and I have to just cry and pray that He takes away the dark and replaces it with light. And then, wow, He just really comes through with something big.
I've been given an awesome opportunity for no real reason. I mean, there's seriously no reason for me to be given something so amazing, but that He has something in mind. Don't know what it is, but I'm ready.
My life has been a series of coincidences lately. I was supposed to be in Baton Rouge last summer but ended up getting the shift last minute and being almost unemployed all summer which was a dark dark place in my life, but because I was unemployed I was offered a position in New Brunswick, Canada for this school year. Obviously, that fell through at the last minute, but because it was so last minute my only option was to go to St. Pete for half a year which is where I experienced the amazing/terrifying/overwhelming power of the Spirit and Christ came into my life. Because the project was only half a year, I was able to come to Kentucky for the rest of the year where I have had the opportunity to really experience the Spirit and study the Word. I just seriously know 100% that everything that has happened is because of God's plan for me. He's working on something big for me and I can't wait to know what that is. I think back to when I found out I wasn't going to Baton Rouge this past summer and how distraught I was, how unfair I thought it was, but now I see the benefit. I see how everything worked out. It's like when Joseph got sold into slavery by his brothers and I'm sure everything looked so dark and grim, but then he ended up being second in command to Pharaoh and living a good long life and enabling his family and many many people to survive years of famine. God's always working through all sorts of venues.
Ahhhh, I love when God just really makes His presence known.
I know everyone else in the world must think I'm a crazy person, but I just love knowing that some coincidences are divine.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
The Spirit
I started The Forgotten God tonight. Francis Chan is such a great writer. He uses the scripture as the foundation of his message instead of picking a message and then choosing scripture to support it. He says that the Holy Spirit is what sets Christians apart from others. It's how we show that we belong to Christ and what empowers us to glorify God. I'm blessed that I have felt the Spirit move within me. Well, I had to, I guess. I never would have allowed God to work within me if the Spirit hadn't knocked me down back in St. Pete. It's such a great feeling now that I'm not terrified of it. It took me quite a well to get over the initial terror of that indescribable feeling.
I'm going home to north Alabama this weekend. Oh man, I can't wait. I love my family and my home church and just being around people that know me and love me and I can be real around. It's funny how I plan my weekends (and would gladly plan my weeks if there were opportunities) around Bible study and church. Oh gee, y'all, this is still all so new to me. I feel like I should be in the kid's Sunday school class because I just still don't know how to live my life as a Christian. I still have so much to learn that I want to study and fellowship with other Christians as much as possible!
My mind is utterly exhausted from taking all this on by myself.
I can't keep my eyes open! Good night <3
Monday, February 25, 2013
Real Men
I finished reading Galatians tonight. It is good for us to have all of these letters from Paul to see the same message being spoken over and over and over again to the churches. No more division. No more morality based on the old Law. Salvation through Christ. Salvation through faith. A cross-centered gospel. At the end of the letter Paul comments on how big his letters (handwriting) are when he writes them on his own. It's little things like that that bring the Bible home for me. These were real men and women. Suffering reals pains. Feeling real anguish and just wanting to save as many people as they could through the gospel of Christ. I wish I could see his real letter. I wish I could see just how aggravated he was with the churches through the appearance of his handwriting.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Pause. Rewind.
I can't believe how fast time goes by. I started this Radical experiment on 2/7 and it's already 2/24. I feel like it hasn't been a week. Our lives really aren't even a blip on the time plane. There's so much I want to do and every day I'm running out of time. Every day I'm losing chances. Every day I'm losing moments.
If only I could go back and reclaim those years I lost wandering desolately and running away from God. Where would I have ended up if I had let Him in years ago? Probably way better off than where I'm at now. 26 and nothing to show for it.
I have this sense of urgency and there aren't enough hours in the day to get where I want to be. I want to finish reading the Bible so I can start reading it again with more knowledge this time around. I want to take online seminary courses on the history of the text. I want to do mission work in so so so many countries. I want a family. I want a farm and a simple life in the country with a good husband and however many children God wants to bless me with. There just isn't enough time. I'm too late already.
If only I could go back and reclaim those years I lost wandering desolately and running away from God. Where would I have ended up if I had let Him in years ago? Probably way better off than where I'm at now. 26 and nothing to show for it.
I have this sense of urgency and there aren't enough hours in the day to get where I want to be. I want to finish reading the Bible so I can start reading it again with more knowledge this time around. I want to take online seminary courses on the history of the text. I want to do mission work in so so so many countries. I want a family. I want a farm and a simple life in the country with a good husband and however many children God wants to bless me with. There just isn't enough time. I'm too late already.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Stages of Transition
I finished 2 Corinthians. In the letter Paul is writing to the church in Corinth, you can feel his frustration, his sadness, his longing. It's a depressing book, but it's interesting to see that side of Paul rather than his lengthy stints of theology and rhetoric. I wish the letter was no longer relevant to the church. I'm afraid if Paul was trying to oversee all of the churches today, he would live in constant turmoil, anger, and confusion. None of us are without sin, I know that, but I can vouch for the idea that when Christ comes into your heart, you change. There are some within the church that haven't had that transformation yet. Hypocrisy, judgment, scandal, bigotry -- those are still serious issues within the church. Those issues give unbelievers a way out of the church.
Before my conversion, I looked at most ''Christians" and thought, no way do I want any part in that, those people suck to be around. I knew atheists and agnostics who were doing more with humanitarian efforts and just old fashioned good manners and loving personalities who acted more like Christ than some "Christians" I came into contact with. Thankfully, my church back home is amazing and you can feel the Spirit moving there. You can see light in the members of Hollis Memorial church for sure. I want to always be a light. When I go to do missions, I want folks to see that light within me. I want them to know that I can do whatever I do because it is Christ who strengthens me.
I never want to boast; I never want to judge; I never want to be self-righteous. Trust me, I'm worthless and grubby and weak without Christ. I acknowledge that willingly and thankfully. I just pray that God fills the church with his Spirit and that hearts are open to Him.
Anyway...that's not what I had planned to blog about...
I also finished "What is the Gospel?" It was really good to read that as I'm going through the New Testament in my studies because it gives me a better perspective on The Message. It provides a lens with which to read Paul's letters.
Next, I'm going to read Forgotten God by Francis Chan. It's about the Holy Spirit. I'm very excited to see what I can glean from this book since I feel like the Spirit is leading me somewhere, maybe it'll help me discern what I'm being guided towards.
I learned how to play Amazing Grace on guitar!! The finger movements are becoming a lot more fluid with practice. I'm delving into chords now that I've learned all the notes on the strings. I can read music now, at least notes and time. It feels really encouraging to finally put this knowledge into application. If all I ever learn how to play on guitar is Amazing Grace, then by golly, I will play Amazing Grace every morning when I wake up to remember what God has done for me.
I went hiking today. I was reminded of my "kidnapped by Christians" hike, so when I was overlooking all the wonders of creation I thought of that psalm and smiled this time.
Six months ago, I would have scoffed at the kinds of things I'm writing here. I've always been such a guarded person; I don't like anyone to see me vulnerable. My, my, how life has changed. And now, everything is possible because I know God will bring me through the tough times. I know he will equip me with the skills I need to serve him effectively.
I've just got to keep my head up.
Before my conversion, I looked at most ''Christians" and thought, no way do I want any part in that, those people suck to be around. I knew atheists and agnostics who were doing more with humanitarian efforts and just old fashioned good manners and loving personalities who acted more like Christ than some "Christians" I came into contact with. Thankfully, my church back home is amazing and you can feel the Spirit moving there. You can see light in the members of Hollis Memorial church for sure. I want to always be a light. When I go to do missions, I want folks to see that light within me. I want them to know that I can do whatever I do because it is Christ who strengthens me.
I never want to boast; I never want to judge; I never want to be self-righteous. Trust me, I'm worthless and grubby and weak without Christ. I acknowledge that willingly and thankfully. I just pray that God fills the church with his Spirit and that hearts are open to Him.
Anyway...that's not what I had planned to blog about...
I also finished "What is the Gospel?" It was really good to read that as I'm going through the New Testament in my studies because it gives me a better perspective on The Message. It provides a lens with which to read Paul's letters.
Next, I'm going to read Forgotten God by Francis Chan. It's about the Holy Spirit. I'm very excited to see what I can glean from this book since I feel like the Spirit is leading me somewhere, maybe it'll help me discern what I'm being guided towards.
I learned how to play Amazing Grace on guitar!! The finger movements are becoming a lot more fluid with practice. I'm delving into chords now that I've learned all the notes on the strings. I can read music now, at least notes and time. It feels really encouraging to finally put this knowledge into application. If all I ever learn how to play on guitar is Amazing Grace, then by golly, I will play Amazing Grace every morning when I wake up to remember what God has done for me.
I went hiking today. I was reminded of my "kidnapped by Christians" hike, so when I was overlooking all the wonders of creation I thought of that psalm and smiled this time.
Six months ago, I would have scoffed at the kinds of things I'm writing here. I've always been such a guarded person; I don't like anyone to see me vulnerable. My, my, how life has changed. And now, everything is possible because I know God will bring me through the tough times. I know he will equip me with the skills I need to serve him effectively.
I've just got to keep my head up.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Needed: Headlamp, 90 Lumens preferred
I'm concerned. Nervous. Anxious.
Sometimes I get this overwhelming sense that I'm supposed to do something, or go somewhere, or follow this path, and I think, 'this must be God' because it's such a powerful feeling.
And I wait. And then things go awry. I just can't make sense of where I'm supposed to be headed. I feel like I'm hiking up a mountain in the middle of the night, there's dim moonlight but not enough to see more than a foot ahead, I'm alone and it's quiet. Panic. What if I lose my way? What if I never get to the destination? What if this whole time I've been moving in the wrong direction? What If I didn't read the map correctly?
It's been two weeks since I decided to go to Uganda next summer, but I still haven't heard confirmation. My next year really hinges on the fact that I'm going to Uganda. I've built myself up for it. I can't think of anything else that I want to do more. I feel so sure I'm supposed to go, but what if I misread the plan? My heart will break.
As I'm praying through all of these nations on operationworld.org, I have only added to my list of all the places I want to serve. I need to meet myself a nice Christian man who wants to be a missionary with me so I can just do this for the rest of my life. Taking applications....
Sometimes I get this overwhelming sense that I'm supposed to do something, or go somewhere, or follow this path, and I think, 'this must be God' because it's such a powerful feeling.
And I wait. And then things go awry. I just can't make sense of where I'm supposed to be headed. I feel like I'm hiking up a mountain in the middle of the night, there's dim moonlight but not enough to see more than a foot ahead, I'm alone and it's quiet. Panic. What if I lose my way? What if I never get to the destination? What if this whole time I've been moving in the wrong direction? What If I didn't read the map correctly?
It's been two weeks since I decided to go to Uganda next summer, but I still haven't heard confirmation. My next year really hinges on the fact that I'm going to Uganda. I've built myself up for it. I can't think of anything else that I want to do more. I feel so sure I'm supposed to go, but what if I misread the plan? My heart will break.
As I'm praying through all of these nations on operationworld.org, I have only added to my list of all the places I want to serve. I need to meet myself a nice Christian man who wants to be a missionary with me so I can just do this for the rest of my life. Taking applications....
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
When Words Fail...
music.
I might be a mess before Lent is over. I can't handle him on the cross.
"you tore the veil
you made a way
when you said 'it was done.'" - At the Cross by Hillsong
Pretty much every single word in this song:
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching
As if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
I might be a mess before Lent is over. I can't handle him on the cross.
"you tore the veil
you made a way
when you said 'it was done.'" - At the Cross by Hillsong
Pretty much every single word in this song:
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching
As if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Powerful Prayer
Some people just have a natural knack for prayer. I do not. I have to pray aloud or I get distracted. Sometimes, I get distracted anyway. I'm always very conscientious of my prayer so then I get frazzled trying not to ask for too much or not to forget anything or not to sound irreverent. It's daunting to speak to God.
Here's a prayer from the operationworld.org prayercast. Tonight's country is Costa Rica. This man who is praying has a way with prayer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=iPvWCI6XFC8#!
Here's a prayer from prayercast, but it's from a couple of days ago for Botswana. It has stuck in my head because it's so heartfelt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=2Zw6Kc7baFU
Each of the prayers sound so different, but both are touching. I enjoy hearing others pray.
I totally believe in the power of prayer. Since I've started praying, I've had three definitive examples of God answering prayers that I have specifically prayed for (one being for my own benefit, but the other two being for others' health issues). I hope that one day my prayers can sound as graceful and effortless as those two examples.
Praise God for his healing power and his comforting answers.
Goodnight <3
Here's a prayer from the operationworld.org prayercast. Tonight's country is Costa Rica. This man who is praying has a way with prayer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=iPvWCI6XFC8#!
Here's a prayer from prayercast, but it's from a couple of days ago for Botswana. It has stuck in my head because it's so heartfelt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=2Zw6Kc7baFU
Each of the prayers sound so different, but both are touching. I enjoy hearing others pray.
I totally believe in the power of prayer. Since I've started praying, I've had three definitive examples of God answering prayers that I have specifically prayed for (one being for my own benefit, but the other two being for others' health issues). I hope that one day my prayers can sound as graceful and effortless as those two examples.
Praise God for his healing power and his comforting answers.
Goodnight <3
Monday, February 18, 2013
I googled "scriptures on rest"
That's how tired I am. I need biblical permission to just rest. I was sick for the majority of weekend, but I don't think feverish dreams and passing out from dehydration count as rest. I am happy in my work. I enjoy working. I love what I do. I love what I do outside of work; studying the scripture, playing guitar, knitting, jogging, walking my pup, reading novels, etc, but rarely do I take the time to just rest. A scripture comes to mind now that I'm not googling it. When Elijah was listening for the Lord and the voice did not come to him in an earthquake or a roaring wind but it came to him, finally, in an inaudible whisper. If we don't rest, how will we know if God is speaking to us? I need to rest. Really, I need to just listen and have quiet time with God.
Bible study tonight was not what I had envisioned it to be. I probably will not be going back. God speaks to each of us in different ways I believe, and so these women enjoy reading what I term as more of self-help books. I want to read the Word, y'all! I want to actually study the Bible; I mean, I need to. Or at least read books that tell you how to read the Bible. *sigh*
I have my second guitar lesson tomorrow. I hope I've made adequate progress. I'm enjoying learning how to read music. When I was first learning how to play guitar, my teacher just taught me songs, he didn't really set me up for independence. This teacher is having me learn how to read music, so I'll be able to translate this talent over into many other instruments. I would like to learn to play piano and banjo and mandolin and violin and ukelele....
I finished 1 Corinthians tonight! Lots of debatable lessons in there. Especially those verses about women being silent in the church. I like gender roles, personally. I know that's probably strange for a modern woman to say, but I like that men have certain responsibilities to women and to the church and to their family, etc and that women have certain responsibilities to men and to the church and to their family, etc. But before you start pandering me about my backward and conservative ideas, I will steadfastly argue that in the eyes of God and in the eyes of humanity, genders should be equal. But they ARE created different and so are each better-constructed for certain tasks, although I believe God can call whomever He pleases to do whatever He wills and I ain't gonna argue with Him.
I can do anything that a man can do, but when it is time for me to get married, I believe my husband will have the responsibility of being the spiritual head of my household and I will trust him in all matters to decide what's best for me and my family (which is why I'll probably never find a suitable husband). And I will serve him in all wifely duties, not to be named here, etc whatever.
(That entire paragraph I'm sure will be taken out of context for the rest of my life and used against me in a variety of manners).
I've got to start thinking of fundraising ideas to get me to Uganda next summer. I don't like thinking or worrying about money; it's always been an uncomfortable topic for me. It's hard to take money from people without the promise of paying them back. I feel like I need to earn everything that I receive. Hmm. I'll keep myself open to ideas.
Goodnight <3
"Keep alert, stand firm in your faith, be courageous, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love." 1 Corinthians 16:13-14
Bible study tonight was not what I had envisioned it to be. I probably will not be going back. God speaks to each of us in different ways I believe, and so these women enjoy reading what I term as more of self-help books. I want to read the Word, y'all! I want to actually study the Bible; I mean, I need to. Or at least read books that tell you how to read the Bible. *sigh*
I have my second guitar lesson tomorrow. I hope I've made adequate progress. I'm enjoying learning how to read music. When I was first learning how to play guitar, my teacher just taught me songs, he didn't really set me up for independence. This teacher is having me learn how to read music, so I'll be able to translate this talent over into many other instruments. I would like to learn to play piano and banjo and mandolin and violin and ukelele....
I finished 1 Corinthians tonight! Lots of debatable lessons in there. Especially those verses about women being silent in the church. I like gender roles, personally. I know that's probably strange for a modern woman to say, but I like that men have certain responsibilities to women and to the church and to their family, etc and that women have certain responsibilities to men and to the church and to their family, etc. But before you start pandering me about my backward and conservative ideas, I will steadfastly argue that in the eyes of God and in the eyes of humanity, genders should be equal. But they ARE created different and so are each better-constructed for certain tasks, although I believe God can call whomever He pleases to do whatever He wills and I ain't gonna argue with Him.
I can do anything that a man can do, but when it is time for me to get married, I believe my husband will have the responsibility of being the spiritual head of my household and I will trust him in all matters to decide what's best for me and my family (which is why I'll probably never find a suitable husband). And I will serve him in all wifely duties, not to be named here, etc whatever.
(That entire paragraph I'm sure will be taken out of context for the rest of my life and used against me in a variety of manners).
I've got to start thinking of fundraising ideas to get me to Uganda next summer. I don't like thinking or worrying about money; it's always been an uncomfortable topic for me. It's hard to take money from people without the promise of paying them back. I feel like I need to earn everything that I receive. Hmm. I'll keep myself open to ideas.
Goodnight <3
"Keep alert, stand firm in your faith, be courageous, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love." 1 Corinthians 16:13-14
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Praise God for Technology!
Tonight I got to Skype with my bible study group from Scottsboro. It felt like being at home again! It's nice just to discuss the Word with others. We each have out our different translations and read (tonight we were reading Hosea) and discuss what our commentaries say, things that are different in each translation and things that are the same, and how we see God moving in the text and how we see the carry-over into the New Testament. I finally feel like I'm back on my feet a little bit. I can see parallels within the OT and the NT. Prophesies of Christ. God calling for compassion and love rather than sacrifice. Without love, there is NOTHING. I can't believe how obvious that is in all the scripture I've read so far, old and new testament. I feel like slowly, I'm learning how to read the Bible.
Tomorrow night I'm going to a Ladies Bible Study at the church I sometimes attend in Madison. I'm excited about that. The pastor is leaving for Africa this week to help dig some wells for 37 villages. That speaks to my heart in so many ways. I can't wait to go to Uganda. I can't wait to see what THEY can teach me and how I can serve them.
Lent update: My fingertips have callused since I'm playing guitar again. I've almost mastered Ode to Joy. Ha! It's pretty simple, though. My goal is to be able to play a worship song by the end of Lent. If I keep to my goal of practicing for 30 minutes every day, I should be able to. My current Lent anthem is "At the Cross" by Hillsong. It prepares my heart for meditation on the journey to the crucifixion. Maybe I'll try to play that song on guitar.
An update on my Radical experiment:
1) On day 8 of Prayer for the World. This has been SO enlightening. OperationWorld.org is an amazing resource. I thought with all the advances in civilization and technology that all people would have been reached by missionaries by now, but no, far from it. I definitely want to spend time in some of these countries to help the impoverished, desolate, and unreached. Brazil and Botswana have both really stuck out in my mind.
2) I'm almost through 1 Corinthians. In Chapter 11, when Paul talks about women covering their heads...I almost died. But all my commentaries claim it was culturally and contextually specific. I don't know. I don't especially want to cover my head. I finished Chapter 13 tonight about the Gift of Love. WHAT AN AMAZING GIFT! How we could shake the world if everyone participated in that sort of pure, God-given love. I love love.
3) Friday was pay-day. I've designated part of my paychecks (which are bi-weekly) to whatever Christian-based activity/charity/etc I feel convicted to at the time. Last paycheck I gave part to SIFAT which is the organization that funds the orphanage I will be working at in the summer of 2014. This paycheck, after watching the pastor's video of those villages getting wells with clean drinking water, I gave some funds to him to use for those villages they will be working with in Africa. Money is still my most difficult asset to part with, not because I'm materialistic but because I worry that I won't have any if something happens. (which is exactly why it's important to do so, because it shows that I trust in God, yeah yeah I get it). I give with LOVE.
4) I'm joining a bible study in Madison. That's a first step.
5) Got news that the director of the orphanage has been contacted about my coming to work there in the summer of 2014. Meeting with my pastor and others who have been to the orphanage to set up a time-table for when I need to get shots, what I need to purchase, what I need to leave at home, etc. I'm hoping I'll still be capable with my guitar, and I can take it with me to play for the kids! Music touches my heart, so I want it to touch others' as well.
"Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit." Psalms 51: 11-12
Tomorrow night I'm going to a Ladies Bible Study at the church I sometimes attend in Madison. I'm excited about that. The pastor is leaving for Africa this week to help dig some wells for 37 villages. That speaks to my heart in so many ways. I can't wait to go to Uganda. I can't wait to see what THEY can teach me and how I can serve them.
Lent update: My fingertips have callused since I'm playing guitar again. I've almost mastered Ode to Joy. Ha! It's pretty simple, though. My goal is to be able to play a worship song by the end of Lent. If I keep to my goal of practicing for 30 minutes every day, I should be able to. My current Lent anthem is "At the Cross" by Hillsong. It prepares my heart for meditation on the journey to the crucifixion. Maybe I'll try to play that song on guitar.
An update on my Radical experiment:
1) On day 8 of Prayer for the World. This has been SO enlightening. OperationWorld.org is an amazing resource. I thought with all the advances in civilization and technology that all people would have been reached by missionaries by now, but no, far from it. I definitely want to spend time in some of these countries to help the impoverished, desolate, and unreached. Brazil and Botswana have both really stuck out in my mind.
2) I'm almost through 1 Corinthians. In Chapter 11, when Paul talks about women covering their heads...I almost died. But all my commentaries claim it was culturally and contextually specific. I don't know. I don't especially want to cover my head. I finished Chapter 13 tonight about the Gift of Love. WHAT AN AMAZING GIFT! How we could shake the world if everyone participated in that sort of pure, God-given love. I love love.
3) Friday was pay-day. I've designated part of my paychecks (which are bi-weekly) to whatever Christian-based activity/charity/etc I feel convicted to at the time. Last paycheck I gave part to SIFAT which is the organization that funds the orphanage I will be working at in the summer of 2014. This paycheck, after watching the pastor's video of those villages getting wells with clean drinking water, I gave some funds to him to use for those villages they will be working with in Africa. Money is still my most difficult asset to part with, not because I'm materialistic but because I worry that I won't have any if something happens. (which is exactly why it's important to do so, because it shows that I trust in God, yeah yeah I get it). I give with LOVE.
4) I'm joining a bible study in Madison. That's a first step.
5) Got news that the director of the orphanage has been contacted about my coming to work there in the summer of 2014. Meeting with my pastor and others who have been to the orphanage to set up a time-table for when I need to get shots, what I need to purchase, what I need to leave at home, etc. I'm hoping I'll still be capable with my guitar, and I can take it with me to play for the kids! Music touches my heart, so I want it to touch others' as well.
"Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit." Psalms 51: 11-12
Saturday, February 16, 2013
What is the Gospel?
I started a new book tonight. I've been waiting on it all week to arrive from Amazon!
What is the Gospel by Greg Gilbert.
The first time I ever read the entire gospels was when I was reading Francis Chan's Crazy Love back in December. I had never read them before, folks. It put a brand new perspective on what I wanted my Christianity to look like. It's so amazing to get to see the personality of Jesus in the way that he responds to the sinners, the children, and the way he prays for his disciples in John 17. He was the purest good, and I want to live my life following him.
So in this new book, the question "What is the Gospel?" is put forth. In the introduction, Gilbert gives a selection of examples and asks if someone came up to you and asked what the message of the gospel is, how would you respond? I had never thought about that. I'm not very good with words, so if someone actually came up to me and asked me that question, I would be stuck in slow motion and stutters until they got creeped out and just walked away. So now I'm thinking about it, and this is my current answer. I have a feeling by the end of this book, I'll have to edit it.
What is the gospel?
God loved the world so much that he sent Jesus, who was God but was born in completely human form, to bring salvation and a new way of life to his followers. Jesus lived on earth, suffered through many of the same obstacles that all humans face, but still remained free from sin. He taught the multitudes to love God and love each other -- that those two commandments would satisfy all the needs of the Law. He was crucified on a cross, and when he died, he endured the wrath of God for ALL of the sin of his followers, so that when we die, we will be saved by HIS blood. He rose from the dead after three days to show that he had broken us out of the bondage of death and given us the keys to eternal life with God in Heaven. He did all of this because He loves us.
That's what I gleaned from it, in my limited knowledge of the rest of the Bible. I'm going to revisit this blog after I finish the book so I can see how it changes and see how much more I can learn about the gospel.
The first time I ever read the entire gospels was when I was reading Francis Chan's Crazy Love back in December. I had never read them before, folks. It put a brand new perspective on what I wanted my Christianity to look like. It's so amazing to get to see the personality of Jesus in the way that he responds to the sinners, the children, and the way he prays for his disciples in John 17. He was the purest good, and I want to live my life following him.
So in this new book, the question "What is the Gospel?" is put forth. In the introduction, Gilbert gives a selection of examples and asks if someone came up to you and asked what the message of the gospel is, how would you respond? I had never thought about that. I'm not very good with words, so if someone actually came up to me and asked me that question, I would be stuck in slow motion and stutters until they got creeped out and just walked away. So now I'm thinking about it, and this is my current answer. I have a feeling by the end of this book, I'll have to edit it.
What is the gospel?
God loved the world so much that he sent Jesus, who was God but was born in completely human form, to bring salvation and a new way of life to his followers. Jesus lived on earth, suffered through many of the same obstacles that all humans face, but still remained free from sin. He taught the multitudes to love God and love each other -- that those two commandments would satisfy all the needs of the Law. He was crucified on a cross, and when he died, he endured the wrath of God for ALL of the sin of his followers, so that when we die, we will be saved by HIS blood. He rose from the dead after three days to show that he had broken us out of the bondage of death and given us the keys to eternal life with God in Heaven. He did all of this because He loves us.
That's what I gleaned from it, in my limited knowledge of the rest of the Bible. I'm going to revisit this blog after I finish the book so I can see how it changes and see how much more I can learn about the gospel.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Setbacks
Bad day, sorry.
It's probably only about to get even worse, or just consistently bad I suppose.
Please pray for me to find my strength again. Pray that I can resist the world because it is a strong adversary and it knows all my flaws and weaknesses and how to expose them and manipulate them to distract me from the path.
I'm not good at this, sorry.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Ashes and Sackcloth
Okay, I wish I had this Bible when I started reading. It's so very helpful with introductions to each book that set a cultural and historical context. The commentary clears up many questions I've had as I've been reading. I'm tempted to go back and re read the books I've already read in order to read the commentaries, but I'm determined to finish reading the Bible in its entirety in a year, so I'm going to just keep trucking along and I'll reread the gospels again once I'm finished with the rest of it. Seriously, if you don't have a study Bible, get this one. English Standard Version study Bible. Comes with an online reference guide as well. Amazon $30 for a hardback copy.
I attended my very first Ash Wednesday service tonight at the church that I sometimes attend in Madison. It was a sparse crowd, but I'm nervous around big groups of people, so it was comforting. I didn't have to stress out about what others were thinking about me. As I've stated, I have an emotional reaction to everything, especially when the Spirit overwhelms me, so of course, after the confessional prayer when the preacher looked out and said, "In the name of Jesus Christ you are forgiven!" I start weeping (silently). It's overwhelming. I'm forgiven. Y'all don't even know how big of a relief that is. I know, I know, I was forgiven when I asked for forgiveness for all the mistakes I made in the past back when I had my ultra-conversion in November, but every time I'm reminded that I'm free of those sins, I'm taken aback. I was heavily burdened. I don't "let go" easily. I cling on to mistakes I've made and past regrets so tightly that they start to define who I am and how I interact with others. I am starting to let that go now. I feel an immense easiness about my life and future knowing that Christ walks with me. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the concept of grace but I'm getting there. I wish I could keep this little cross on my forehead all the time to remind me of that amazing act of unconditional love. To remind me on those toughest days and nights that yes, I am forgiven.
"Then turning toward the woman, he said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has bathed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which were many, have been forgiven; hence she has shown great love." Luke 7: 44-
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Omnipresence
Every morning I leave my house to drive 20 minutes to work in Carrollton. The highway I take is parallel to the Ohio River. At about 7:30, the sun is coming up over the mountains that loom over the river. It's glorious. I am privy to a beautiful sunrise every single morning. It's the best way I could start my long work day. Every morning a certain psalm comes to mind "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands." Psalm 19:1. Every morning it is evident that the skies are proclaiming His amazing glory. A divine creator is so apparent in the beauty and design of the universe. How could I have missed it all those years?
There's an interesting story that goes along with that psalm. It's forever stuck in my head; I couldn't forget it if I wanted to. One of the first weekends that I lived in Johnson City, TN I went to Starbucks on a "mission" to find a new friend. I remember EXACTLY what I was wearing - skinny jeans, a purple plaid shirt and a bright yellow hoodie. I met this guy who had brought his dog with him to the patio of Starbucks so I initiated a conversation about the pup. Anyway, he was reading the Bible. I remember that part, too. I was an atheist at the time, so when I discovered this fact, I was like, oh great, maybe I should walk away now, but I didn't. He invited me to go hiking with a group of friends and his dog. I agreed, mainly because I love hiking in a big big way, and he was kind of cute and I honestly thought maybe I could "save" him from religion if we did become friends. We hiked up Roane mountain at the state line of Tennessee and North Carolina. It was gloriously beautiful. When we reached the top of the mountain, one of the girls that was with us pulled out her Bible. I groaned inwardly. She asked the group if it was okay for her to read a scripture that she felt was relevant to the moment. Apparently there were other atheists in the group (some professors and grad students from East Tennessee State University I believe) because a vocal groan went out from the group. Bless her heart. I remember how disheartened her face was, but she read it anyway. She read Psalm 19 even while everyone else in the group was scoffing and mocking her. Even though I "wasn't listening", it stuck with me. I remember the way she read the Psalm about the sun coming out like a bridegroom and how in love with God she seemed. I called a friend IMMEDIATELY after I got back down off the mountain, complaining about "being kidnapped by Christians" but I have NEVER forgotten that moment -- on top of this beautiful mountain, with this young woman reading scripture like she was reading a love story. And now anytime I see a beautiful sunset or sunrise or just a gloriously blue sky, I remember to praise Him and be glad that the skies are there to show His amazing glory to me every moment of every day.
I started 1 Corinthians today. It disheartens me to think how relevant these letters are to today's church. We are fighting the same battles within the church that Paul was trying to stamp out 2,000 years ago. Division. Judgment. I pray that the church will unify. I imagine what we could all join together and accomplish if we wouldn't get so distracted by small issues. If we could see that at the heart of the matter, it's all about Jesus and it's all about love, wow, we would shake the nations with our love and charity and compassion. A girl can hope, right?
My country of prayer today is Bhutan. It's one of those countries where the followers of Christ are having to have "secret church" to avoid persecution. The United States is blessed to have religious freedom. We have so many resources we need to be putting to good use!
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8
Monday, February 11, 2013
Reasons for Leaving the Church -- Link
http://marc5solas.wordpress.com/2013/02/08/top-10-reasons-our-kids-leave-church/ -- top 10 reasons kids leave church
Compelling blog article. Convicting. If that person had asked me why I left the church I probably would have told them the exact same things.
I'm going to save this for a rainy day. I have a feeling I'll need to check myself on it one day.
Compelling blog article. Convicting. If that person had asked me why I left the church I probably would have told them the exact same things.
I'm going to save this for a rainy day. I have a feeling I'll need to check myself on it one day.
Romans? Check.
Whew I finally finished Romans. For those of you who haven't read it, if you can get through chapter 11, the rest is amazing and uplifting and exactly what your spirit needs. I especially enjoyed the latter part of Chapter 12. I want to scribe that on my bedroom wall so I am always being reminded of it. Like, listen to this: "Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints; extend hospitality to strangers." Um, awesome, right?
So there's my standing on reading the Bible. One more book down. 1 Corinthians is next I suppose. I'm having to keep myself from going into the Old Testament because that's where I really want to be. The New Testament is intimidating.
So, tis the season to prepare for Easter, which means that in the church the Lenten season is starting. Ash Wednesday service is Wednesday evening. I can't wait! I want to really prepare myself spiritually for the time leading up to the crucifixion and resurrection. I wish that my church was offering a Lenten study. Adam Hamilton's The Way video series is calling my name. Regardless, I've decided I'm going to go the opposite sort of direction in Lenten requirements. Instead of giving something up, I'm going to add something new. I've signed up for guitar lessons to start that up again. On the first night of Bible study at my new church the pastor asked me if I played any instruments because he wants to have a praise band that plays during the worship service. I told him I knew a couple of guitar chords but nothing fancy enough to play in front of others. So, my goal with these guitar lessons is to get good enough to play worship music. I want to serve the Lord in everything that I can, so this is another way. I'm terribly excited. There are so many Christian songs that I love. Music has a way of settling my heart when nothing else can. I hope to bring that light to others through God's gift of music.
I really wish I could figure out what my "big" plan is. I feel like I want to do mission work, but I don't know if that's what I'm supposed to dedicate my life to. I feel like I'm called to work with at-risk kids. I can do that in the States or I can do that abroad. I have my own big plan to own some farmland in Tennessee and live simply off the land. But is that His plan as well? Gee. I wish He'd let me know. Also, kind of hoping He finds me a hubby sooner or later. That's neither here nor there I suppose.
Good night <3
So there's my standing on reading the Bible. One more book down. 1 Corinthians is next I suppose. I'm having to keep myself from going into the Old Testament because that's where I really want to be. The New Testament is intimidating.
So, tis the season to prepare for Easter, which means that in the church the Lenten season is starting. Ash Wednesday service is Wednesday evening. I can't wait! I want to really prepare myself spiritually for the time leading up to the crucifixion and resurrection. I wish that my church was offering a Lenten study. Adam Hamilton's The Way video series is calling my name. Regardless, I've decided I'm going to go the opposite sort of direction in Lenten requirements. Instead of giving something up, I'm going to add something new. I've signed up for guitar lessons to start that up again. On the first night of Bible study at my new church the pastor asked me if I played any instruments because he wants to have a praise band that plays during the worship service. I told him I knew a couple of guitar chords but nothing fancy enough to play in front of others. So, my goal with these guitar lessons is to get good enough to play worship music. I want to serve the Lord in everything that I can, so this is another way. I'm terribly excited. There are so many Christian songs that I love. Music has a way of settling my heart when nothing else can. I hope to bring that light to others through God's gift of music.
I really wish I could figure out what my "big" plan is. I feel like I want to do mission work, but I don't know if that's what I'm supposed to dedicate my life to. I feel like I'm called to work with at-risk kids. I can do that in the States or I can do that abroad. I have my own big plan to own some farmland in Tennessee and live simply off the land. But is that His plan as well? Gee. I wish He'd let me know. Also, kind of hoping He finds me a hubby sooner or later. That's neither here nor there I suppose.
Good night <3
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